I read an interesting news article the other day. It was a guest column. I found myself experiencing conflicting emotions for different reasons.
The author tried to write an article on infertility, but because she had never experienced it, turned it into an article about hyper fertility and how the stress is the same. At least, that is kind of what I got from it. My opinion when I read it was that they are NOT the same. I still feel that way. After reading comments, I realized that I wasn't alone in that feeling.
It was also interesting for me to read, since I am not dealing with infertility now. I do, however, have a very keen memory on what it was like. Even as I was experiencing it, I remember thinking about women who had a difficult time preventing pregnancy. I tried very hard to be empathetic toward them, but it was hard. I could understand and visualize the stress. I could think about how difficult it would be to find out you were pregnant with another child when the money wasn't there to care for them and how stressful that would be... but it was difficult, when at that time, all I longed for was another baby to hold and care for.
It was a long seven years, broken up by a miscarriage. There was a lot of heartache. If I ever even come close to forgetting, all I have to do is look up my infertility label on my blog, and it all comes back.
I think the difference really, is that in dealing with infertility you are dealing with grief. Every month. Every time the test comes back negative. Every time, if you try in-vitro... it fails. Every time your cycle is late you get a glimmer of hope only to have it dashed again. If you do get pregnant... the ultrasound with the heartbeat that isn't there and the sad look on the doctor's face as they tell you things aren't going the way they are supposed to. So, every month, you start the grief cycle over again. You mourn the children that aren't there. They are very difficult emotions to deal with. They are emotions that only completely go away when you get a child.
I haven't dealt with hyperfertility, but in my mind, that stress and emotion is more of an overwhelming, what am I going to do and how am I going to handle this? How am I going to handle the stress of mothering another child? And, like I said before, I can see it, I can visualize how stressful it would be...but still, very different emotions then dealing with infertility.
I don't think you can compare the two.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Monday, August 26, 2013
Monday, September 12, 2011
Wishes
I was thinking the other day about life and the challenges that people face...especially when it comes to having kids and things like that. I often wonder at times why some people seem to have it so easy, and others have such a hard time.
It seems especially unfair when you are the one that longs for just one baby, and yet the "family" that has to have all their kids put into foster care because there's a meth lab in their house, can't seem to stop having them.
Then I thought, you know, if I had could have wishes here's some wishes I would make...
I wish no one had to lose a child to miscarriage.
I wish no one had to deal with the pain and sorrow of infertility.
There were more...but then I caught myself... even though I would never wish these experiences on anyone, and there is a jealous little monster inside me when I think of people that seem to be able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat (even NOW as I'm holding this sweet baby in my arms and have ZERO desire to get pregnant at the moment...)
Even so... there are many things I have learned from these experiences. The biggest ones seem to be compassion and empathy...and the ability to view the pain from their side.
The pain of wanting something so bad that you have no control over. The longing. And I'm not just talking about having kids here. The sorrow and sadness from not getting something that is a just desire.
These are things and emotions that I don't think I could have learned any other way. So...even though it has been tough, if anything, it has made me treasure and cherish my children. If it has taught me that much, even though it's been so painful and sad, I can't really wish that away. :)
It seems especially unfair when you are the one that longs for just one baby, and yet the "family" that has to have all their kids put into foster care because there's a meth lab in their house, can't seem to stop having them.
Then I thought, you know, if I had could have wishes here's some wishes I would make...
I wish no one had to lose a child to miscarriage.
I wish no one had to deal with the pain and sorrow of infertility.
There were more...but then I caught myself... even though I would never wish these experiences on anyone, and there is a jealous little monster inside me when I think of people that seem to be able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat (even NOW as I'm holding this sweet baby in my arms and have ZERO desire to get pregnant at the moment...)
Even so... there are many things I have learned from these experiences. The biggest ones seem to be compassion and empathy...and the ability to view the pain from their side.
The pain of wanting something so bad that you have no control over. The longing. And I'm not just talking about having kids here. The sorrow and sadness from not getting something that is a just desire.
These are things and emotions that I don't think I could have learned any other way. So...even though it has been tough, if anything, it has made me treasure and cherish my children. If it has taught me that much, even though it's been so painful and sad, I can't really wish that away. :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
The Good:
Well, I had my follow-up doctor appointment today, and I learned a lot. First, I relearned and affirmed, that my doctor is amazing. He is very knowledgeable and I asked him a LOT of questions today.
We went over my surgey pictures, and I learned that I am very very blessed to have the two kids that I do. Also that I am very blessed to not have had a lot of pain with endometriosis. There is a possibility that we may have more kids...but it's just a possibility. The scars from the surgery are healing up nicely, in fact, the belly button incision you can't even see anymore! I thought that was pretty cool.
The Bad:
The endometriosis that I have was NOT caused by my c-sections. I have a LOT of endometriosis. A LOT. He told me that normally he is more agressive in getting rid of the endometrial tissue but because we want to have more kids, he put preserving my ability to get pregnant as a top priority. He did tell me that eventually it will need to be taken care of, but unless I get more pain, or horrible bleeding, that we should be able to wait until we are ready to have it done.
The UGLY:
There are some bad patches of endometrial tissue. The fallopian tubes and ovaries are badly affected. The fallopian tubes are clear, but the endometriosis appears to go through the outer wall of the fallopian tube. Same with the ovaries. So, eventually I will need to have it all taken out. When that happens the areas of endometriosis next to the fallopian tubes and ovaries need to be taken care of too.
I told my doctor that while it would be wonderful to find out I was pregnant, I am at peace with the fact that it may never happen. Yes, I still have my up and down days. Yes there are times when I wonder why. More often though, I find myself content with the fact that I have tried, had the desire, and pretty much that is all I can do. More and more often lately I find myself wondering if we really do want to have more kids. ; ) I find that "want" doesn't really adequately describe my emotion. I really do feel like it would be a blessing if we were able to have more, but also realize that we have been richly blessed to have the two that we do.
Well, I had my follow-up doctor appointment today, and I learned a lot. First, I relearned and affirmed, that my doctor is amazing. He is very knowledgeable and I asked him a LOT of questions today.
We went over my surgey pictures, and I learned that I am very very blessed to have the two kids that I do. Also that I am very blessed to not have had a lot of pain with endometriosis. There is a possibility that we may have more kids...but it's just a possibility. The scars from the surgery are healing up nicely, in fact, the belly button incision you can't even see anymore! I thought that was pretty cool.
The Bad:
The endometriosis that I have was NOT caused by my c-sections. I have a LOT of endometriosis. A LOT. He told me that normally he is more agressive in getting rid of the endometrial tissue but because we want to have more kids, he put preserving my ability to get pregnant as a top priority. He did tell me that eventually it will need to be taken care of, but unless I get more pain, or horrible bleeding, that we should be able to wait until we are ready to have it done.
The UGLY:
There are some bad patches of endometrial tissue. The fallopian tubes and ovaries are badly affected. The fallopian tubes are clear, but the endometriosis appears to go through the outer wall of the fallopian tube. Same with the ovaries. So, eventually I will need to have it all taken out. When that happens the areas of endometriosis next to the fallopian tubes and ovaries need to be taken care of too.
I told my doctor that while it would be wonderful to find out I was pregnant, I am at peace with the fact that it may never happen. Yes, I still have my up and down days. Yes there are times when I wonder why. More often though, I find myself content with the fact that I have tried, had the desire, and pretty much that is all I can do. More and more often lately I find myself wondering if we really do want to have more kids. ; ) I find that "want" doesn't really adequately describe my emotion. I really do feel like it would be a blessing if we were able to have more, but also realize that we have been richly blessed to have the two that we do.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Fuzzy
I feel a little fuzzy this morning so, if this post doesn't make much sense, that is why. :)
I had surgery yesterday. It was SO hard to be tight lipped about, but I didn't want to write about it until it actually happened.
My new ob/gyn doc did the surgery. He is a great doctor. I should have started going to him a LONG time ago.
Anyway, here is the short version of what I was "told" he found. I will have a follow-up appointment later where I am lucid and actually remember what he tells me. This is info I got from Shane, and I was impressed with how well he remembered what Dr. Arrington told him. Of course, we've been married long enough that Shane knows I liked the "recorded" version, meaning word for word what did they say... :)
He removed the pedunculated cyst on the left side of my uterus. It was "easy" to remove. The left ovary was stuck to the uterus so he released it. I had a lot of endometriosis and he removed the adhesions (or, in layman's terms, the parts that are sticking together aren't sticking together anymore). There was a fairly large cyst on one of my ovaries that he also removed. Then he flushed blue dye through my fallopian tubes to make sure they weren't blocked.
He told Shane that it is possible that our chances for getting pregnant may be incresed, but it's not a 100% guarantee. Still, I am glad I had the procedure done, because I felt good about having it done in the first place and it's nice to know that I'm not crazy or a bad person, and that there really were physical things that were preventing more kids.
I don't know if we will have more kids, but at least it prevented a hysterectomy for a while longer. I will eventually have to have one, I know, because of the endometriosis (which I actually didn't even know I had) and because of all the fibroids on the outside of my uterus. Yay me.
Still, the pain isn't near as bad as I wondered if it would be. Compared to a c-section (which seems to be my comparison for pain) this is like a 1-2.
I had surgery yesterday. It was SO hard to be tight lipped about, but I didn't want to write about it until it actually happened.
My new ob/gyn doc did the surgery. He is a great doctor. I should have started going to him a LONG time ago.
Anyway, here is the short version of what I was "told" he found. I will have a follow-up appointment later where I am lucid and actually remember what he tells me. This is info I got from Shane, and I was impressed with how well he remembered what Dr. Arrington told him. Of course, we've been married long enough that Shane knows I liked the "recorded" version, meaning word for word what did they say... :)
He removed the pedunculated cyst on the left side of my uterus. It was "easy" to remove. The left ovary was stuck to the uterus so he released it. I had a lot of endometriosis and he removed the adhesions (or, in layman's terms, the parts that are sticking together aren't sticking together anymore). There was a fairly large cyst on one of my ovaries that he also removed. Then he flushed blue dye through my fallopian tubes to make sure they weren't blocked.
He told Shane that it is possible that our chances for getting pregnant may be incresed, but it's not a 100% guarantee. Still, I am glad I had the procedure done, because I felt good about having it done in the first place and it's nice to know that I'm not crazy or a bad person, and that there really were physical things that were preventing more kids.
I don't know if we will have more kids, but at least it prevented a hysterectomy for a while longer. I will eventually have to have one, I know, because of the endometriosis (which I actually didn't even know I had) and because of all the fibroids on the outside of my uterus. Yay me.
Still, the pain isn't near as bad as I wondered if it would be. Compared to a c-section (which seems to be my comparison for pain) this is like a 1-2.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunshine
Things have been going pretty well lately I think. It is always amazing to me, and somewhat refreshing how after I have a REALLY bad hard moment, if I pause, I will be comforted.
The days before I got my results from the ultrasound were hard. I was struggling, which was quite apparent when I go back and read my posts. I wonder why anyone would still read these after all the negativity (and isn't that phrase in and of itself negative??) Kidding here...kinda.
Anyway, the point is, almost immediately after I found out about all the cysts and fibroids, I did not feel despair, disappointment, or any other plethera of negative emotions...I felt hope, peace, love, and...joy. Not for the things I had found out, but for things yet to come. It was an amazing feeling.
The herbal pills I ordered came on Thursday so I started taking them on Friday. I won't really know if they have done anything until a month has passed. At least, that is what I am thinking anyway. I can tell they are already doing something...can't say what exactly that is at this point in time, but they are doing something...:)
The days before I got my results from the ultrasound were hard. I was struggling, which was quite apparent when I go back and read my posts. I wonder why anyone would still read these after all the negativity (and isn't that phrase in and of itself negative??) Kidding here...kinda.
Anyway, the point is, almost immediately after I found out about all the cysts and fibroids, I did not feel despair, disappointment, or any other plethera of negative emotions...I felt hope, peace, love, and...joy. Not for the things I had found out, but for things yet to come. It was an amazing feeling.
The herbal pills I ordered came on Thursday so I started taking them on Friday. I won't really know if they have done anything until a month has passed. At least, that is what I am thinking anyway. I can tell they are already doing something...can't say what exactly that is at this point in time, but they are doing something...:)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Here's the skinny...
I know I have been kind of vague, but I wanted to wait until I talked to my doctor to write anything more specific.
Well, they determined that there is no longer a large cyst on my left ovary (and there is a question as to wether there ever was) mainly because they have decided that there is a rather large "pedunculated" cyst on the outside of my uterus. (in other words it has a pedicle or stalk attaching it to the uterus.) I don't know specifically how large it is, but it is big enough that they would have to cut it up to get it out if they did it laparascopically. So, bigger than a golf ball.
There are fibroids inside my uterus too. Which explains a lot of things for me.
I found something herbal that I am going to try just to see if it helps. I figure there is really no reason to not try it. It will either help or it won't. If it helps, wonderful! If it doesn't, then I will have surgery, which I would have done anyway. To me, it is worth a try. I have had weirder positive things happen when using herbs. It will be interesting to see if anything happens.
Well, they determined that there is no longer a large cyst on my left ovary (and there is a question as to wether there ever was) mainly because they have decided that there is a rather large "pedunculated" cyst on the outside of my uterus. (in other words it has a pedicle or stalk attaching it to the uterus.) I don't know specifically how large it is, but it is big enough that they would have to cut it up to get it out if they did it laparascopically. So, bigger than a golf ball.
There are fibroids inside my uterus too. Which explains a lot of things for me.
I found something herbal that I am going to try just to see if it helps. I figure there is really no reason to not try it. It will either help or it won't. If it helps, wonderful! If it doesn't, then I will have surgery, which I would have done anyway. To me, it is worth a try. I have had weirder positive things happen when using herbs. It will be interesting to see if anything happens.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I know
I know what you might be thinking...Melissa get over it! Well, you're wrong. I may be a little disappointed about needing to be on fertility meds again, but what really got me down was going to my ultrasound appointment and finding out that there were things I needed to discuss more in depth with my doc.
Things I won't really go into here, but suffice to say it would not be wise to get pregnant at this point until these things are taken care of. So there's really no point in taking the meds yet.
That is what has me down. I hate having things wrong with me that I have no control over whatsoever. I can't think my way out of it, or just think positive and it will correct itself. Or wait, here's my favorite...just stop stressing about it, and it will get better. Ha!
Oh well, apparently there are more things that I need to learn.
Things I won't really go into here, but suffice to say it would not be wise to get pregnant at this point until these things are taken care of. So there's really no point in taking the meds yet.
That is what has me down. I hate having things wrong with me that I have no control over whatsoever. I can't think my way out of it, or just think positive and it will correct itself. Or wait, here's my favorite...just stop stressing about it, and it will get better. Ha!
Oh well, apparently there are more things that I need to learn.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Hmm...
So...went to the doctor yesterday for a follow up visit to my E.R. visit that happened back in March. Didn't really find out anything new, just kind of clarified and wrote down what our next course of action is...I guess. (I mean, I know, but...it's all a little overwhelming at this point.)
Tomorrow I get another ultrasound of the cyst on my left ovary, which is hopefully smaller. Apparently it was a "complex" cyst, which means it has more than one area inside itself. *joy* Wouldn't want to have anything simple would we? So, there's that. If the cyst is bigger, well, then we look into whether we should do surgery to remove the cyst. If we do that, my doc also said that we might want to consider doing an ovarian drilling. Believe me, all these things are NOT filling me with twinges of excitement.
So, round two of feeling like I'm taking a million prescriptions, except this time I will be on Femara, which my body tolerates MUCH better than Clomid. Clomid is evil!! I asked him if he thought I still had PCOS, and yeah...that one was pretty obvious.
The whole time I'm thinking, why am I doing this? Does it even matter? I'm probably not going to get pregnant anyway so what's the point. Plus...do I even want to get pregnant? Do I want to even have one grain of hope? Bleh.
So, we try all that, and in a few months if I am still not pregnant, then I get to have a hysterosalpingogram. Can I tell you that there are times when I wish I DIDN'T know so much medical stuff? *sigh*
Onward and upward we go!
Tomorrow I get another ultrasound of the cyst on my left ovary, which is hopefully smaller. Apparently it was a "complex" cyst, which means it has more than one area inside itself. *joy* Wouldn't want to have anything simple would we? So, there's that. If the cyst is bigger, well, then we look into whether we should do surgery to remove the cyst. If we do that, my doc also said that we might want to consider doing an ovarian drilling. Believe me, all these things are NOT filling me with twinges of excitement.
So, round two of feeling like I'm taking a million prescriptions, except this time I will be on Femara, which my body tolerates MUCH better than Clomid. Clomid is evil!! I asked him if he thought I still had PCOS, and yeah...that one was pretty obvious.
The whole time I'm thinking, why am I doing this? Does it even matter? I'm probably not going to get pregnant anyway so what's the point. Plus...do I even want to get pregnant? Do I want to even have one grain of hope? Bleh.
So, we try all that, and in a few months if I am still not pregnant, then I get to have a hysterosalpingogram. Can I tell you that there are times when I wish I DIDN'T know so much medical stuff? *sigh*
Onward and upward we go!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Cool
So, the time just keeps flying away. It doesn't feel like a week has gone by since I last wrote on here. Tonight my brain is numb. That is the only way I can describe it. I wish I was focused because tomorrow I will be doing another case where I really need to get the steps DOWN!!! It is coming though. I guess that's all I can say. If I am improving I just have to keep building on that.
I finally went to see the doctor about a concern that has been happening for a while, and it was decided that I needed to have a colonoscopy. *joy* Also, that we should hold off on trying to have more kids for right now. Which, believe me I was SO happy to find out right as I was finished taking the CLOMID!!! (I was very annoyed. I mean, really, if I had known I would have NEVER taken it, what's the point!)
I guess in a way it was good that I had work to keep me busy, because it didn't give me a lot of time to wallow in my pity pit of despair, and whether it's because of that, or because every time we try to be more aggressive with infertility decreasing measures...well...I just keep feeling a sense of peace that it really doesn't matter if we have more kids or not. I know. I feel like I have written this on my blog over and over and over...so I hate repeating it yet again, but I am at that content place.
I am content to turn it over to the Lord, and I am content to follow the consequences of that. I still wish I hadn't taken the Clomid because whether it's the clomid or something else, I have felt very strange this week.
I finally went to see the doctor about a concern that has been happening for a while, and it was decided that I needed to have a colonoscopy. *joy* Also, that we should hold off on trying to have more kids for right now. Which, believe me I was SO happy to find out right as I was finished taking the CLOMID!!! (I was very annoyed. I mean, really, if I had known I would have NEVER taken it, what's the point!)
I guess in a way it was good that I had work to keep me busy, because it didn't give me a lot of time to wallow in my pity pit of despair, and whether it's because of that, or because every time we try to be more aggressive with infertility decreasing measures...well...I just keep feeling a sense of peace that it really doesn't matter if we have more kids or not. I know. I feel like I have written this on my blog over and over and over...so I hate repeating it yet again, but I am at that content place.
I am content to turn it over to the Lord, and I am content to follow the consequences of that. I still wish I hadn't taken the Clomid because whether it's the clomid or something else, I have felt very strange this week.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Just one of those things...
Today has been a roller coaster for me. It started out well, then went really downhill, then went okay, and then, after all the business went sad...
Here's what it boils down to...
Woke up, and I was happy because we were going to a parade, and the kids were going to be excited, listen to marching bands play in the parade, see Harrison perform a little karate demo with his sensai, what's not to like?
Then...I found out that another person I know is pregnant. This seems like number 50, but in reality it is more like number...15. THAT'S A LOT! So then I have the half of me that is happy for them, and then the other half, the jealous little monster half, that dredges up all the reasons why life sucks, and even though we would love to have more children, it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Of course I also have to remember the people I know that are pregnant and aren't happy about it AT ALL. It's something I've had to try really hard to look past and I haven't been very successful at it, but I keep trying.
So I get down. Really down. I cry. All I want to do is lie in bed and bemoan my fate. My heart aches. Then I ponder and think about how only people who have really lost something that they have wanted or loved like a child or family member, only they can truly understand. And at some point I turn to the one person who does understand, and if I open my heart, I am comforted, even if it is only brief and I'll be experiencing the same thing either in a month, or the next time someone says something that I try to laugh off, or the next pregnant person informs me of their "condition" in this epidemic that for some reason I'm not allowed to be a part of. When I let my heart truly open, this is how I feel:
I have to feel it. It's one of the only things that keeps me going.
Here's what it boils down to...
Woke up, and I was happy because we were going to a parade, and the kids were going to be excited, listen to marching bands play in the parade, see Harrison perform a little karate demo with his sensai, what's not to like?
Then...I found out that another person I know is pregnant. This seems like number 50, but in reality it is more like number...15. THAT'S A LOT! So then I have the half of me that is happy for them, and then the other half, the jealous little monster half, that dredges up all the reasons why life sucks, and even though we would love to have more children, it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Of course I also have to remember the people I know that are pregnant and aren't happy about it AT ALL. It's something I've had to try really hard to look past and I haven't been very successful at it, but I keep trying.
So I get down. Really down. I cry. All I want to do is lie in bed and bemoan my fate. My heart aches. Then I ponder and think about how only people who have really lost something that they have wanted or loved like a child or family member, only they can truly understand. And at some point I turn to the one person who does understand, and if I open my heart, I am comforted, even if it is only brief and I'll be experiencing the same thing either in a month, or the next time someone says something that I try to laugh off, or the next pregnant person informs me of their "condition" in this epidemic that for some reason I'm not allowed to be a part of. When I let my heart truly open, this is how I feel:
I have to feel it. It's one of the only things that keeps me going.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Turn about is fair play...
So, I had something funny happen today...at least I thought it was funny. Maybe my sense of humor is a little warped these days.
Here is what happened... We were talking with a group of people and one of them happens to be pregnant. They were talking about their pregnancy and then of course the whole, "Well, enjoy the sleep you're getting now, because that will soon be gone..." which I thought was interesting because the mom has other kids...anyway, their husband then started talking about how babies cry, and waking up in the middle of the night, etc...
When all of a sudden out of my mouth came "C'mon, complain about it a little more!" (I said it in what I felt was a lighthearted voice...) My hubby squeezed my leg gently which is usually an unspoken reminder to stay calm and is very helpful. So I leaned over to my hubby and whispered in his ear and said, "Hey, if everyone else can say things without thinking, why can't I?" and then I laughed.
I still think it's funny...and they did stop complaining about how much their life would change when the baby came...so it worked! Teehee! :)
Here is what happened... We were talking with a group of people and one of them happens to be pregnant. They were talking about their pregnancy and then of course the whole, "Well, enjoy the sleep you're getting now, because that will soon be gone..." which I thought was interesting because the mom has other kids...anyway, their husband then started talking about how babies cry, and waking up in the middle of the night, etc...
When all of a sudden out of my mouth came "C'mon, complain about it a little more!" (I said it in what I felt was a lighthearted voice...) My hubby squeezed my leg gently which is usually an unspoken reminder to stay calm and is very helpful. So I leaned over to my hubby and whispered in his ear and said, "Hey, if everyone else can say things without thinking, why can't I?" and then I laughed.
I still think it's funny...and they did stop complaining about how much their life would change when the baby came...so it worked! Teehee! :)
Monday, May 11, 2009
I Guess I've Learned Something...
So, it has been an interesting past couple of days. Saturday was AWESOME! Shane and I haven't been on a date for a while, and Saturday was just one long marathon date, and it was great! That was Shane's Mother's Day gift to me.
First we went to another Hale Center Theatre play. Treasure Island. This play was interesting for me, because I have never really been "into" the Treasure Island story. Still, I went, and hoped to be entertained, and I was! I still don't really care for the Treasure Island story, but the acting was phenomenal, the set amazing, and we even got to talk to one of the guys I knew from high school who works there. He showed us all the tech things, and it was really neat. We learned some things about how they plan the sets, where they are built, and all kinds of things. It was great.
After eating lunch with my family members who also went to the play, we went to a session at the Salt Lake Temple. I had never been to a session at the Salt Lake Temple so I really wanted to go. IT WAS WONDERFUL! Apparently Saturday night is one of the best nights to go because they weren't super busy. It was just such a neat experience. I felt such joy and peace at being there.
Then we went to one of our favorite Salt Lake restaurants...Aristo's. The food there is so wonderful. Authentic Greek food. YUMMY!
So, all in all, a truly amazing day.
So, you are probably wondering what I meant by, "I guess I've learned something..." Well, here's the thing. Yesterday was Mother's Day, which I am sure almost everyone was aware of unless they live in a box (and that's okay, because boxes can be nice...).
What has become interesting for me, is dealing with secondary infertility, has made me more aware of the pain that another person could feel. It literally becomes a physical pain. A hollowness. A feeling of emptiness... and I begin to look at those around me and I realize that Mother's Day and Father's Day, are literally two of the most painful holidays of the year.
And so, this in part, goes out to them... to the single women who wish they could be mom's, to the women who struggle with not having a desire to have children, to the women who would love to hold an infant in their arms and know that that child is theirs...whether you know it or not, you are mothers already.
The gift given to all adult women at church on Mother's Day, is not a pity gift to those with no children of their own, it is an acknowledgement that you have a part in the raising of children, even if they are not yours. This may not lessen the pain any, and for some it becomes a time of extreme emotional anguish, but always remember, that you are loved.
First we went to another Hale Center Theatre play. Treasure Island. This play was interesting for me, because I have never really been "into" the Treasure Island story. Still, I went, and hoped to be entertained, and I was! I still don't really care for the Treasure Island story, but the acting was phenomenal, the set amazing, and we even got to talk to one of the guys I knew from high school who works there. He showed us all the tech things, and it was really neat. We learned some things about how they plan the sets, where they are built, and all kinds of things. It was great.
After eating lunch with my family members who also went to the play, we went to a session at the Salt Lake Temple. I had never been to a session at the Salt Lake Temple so I really wanted to go. IT WAS WONDERFUL! Apparently Saturday night is one of the best nights to go because they weren't super busy. It was just such a neat experience. I felt such joy and peace at being there.
Then we went to one of our favorite Salt Lake restaurants...Aristo's. The food there is so wonderful. Authentic Greek food. YUMMY!
So, all in all, a truly amazing day.
So, you are probably wondering what I meant by, "I guess I've learned something..." Well, here's the thing. Yesterday was Mother's Day, which I am sure almost everyone was aware of unless they live in a box (and that's okay, because boxes can be nice...).
What has become interesting for me, is dealing with secondary infertility, has made me more aware of the pain that another person could feel. It literally becomes a physical pain. A hollowness. A feeling of emptiness... and I begin to look at those around me and I realize that Mother's Day and Father's Day, are literally two of the most painful holidays of the year.
And so, this in part, goes out to them... to the single women who wish they could be mom's, to the women who struggle with not having a desire to have children, to the women who would love to hold an infant in their arms and know that that child is theirs...whether you know it or not, you are mothers already.
The gift given to all adult women at church on Mother's Day, is not a pity gift to those with no children of their own, it is an acknowledgement that you have a part in the raising of children, even if they are not yours. This may not lessen the pain any, and for some it becomes a time of extreme emotional anguish, but always remember, that you are loved.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Not so much.
So, this month has been interesting. I've been on both sides of the spectrum, and hopefully will remember the things that I've learned, especially when I'm having a rough day.
Here is what I have learned.
Even though my intentions are pure, I am still desperately needed at home. Yes the family "survives," but just barely, and I can tell by my kids new change in behaviors. So, I am not so sad that my census work is supposedly ending this week.
Heavenly Father knows everything. I already knew this, but it seems like I need to relearn it a lot. It has been kind of interesting to watch things play out, and feel like there has been some divine intervention involved.
For some reason I am still needed in Young Women. That's fine. I like teaching lessons to teenagers. Really. I do. I'm not being sarcastic. We even got a new YW President last Sunday, and I specifically talked to her about whether or not I would be released anytime soon when she called me on the phone. So, apparently there is someone who needs me. :)
One of these days I will really and truly not get my hopes up when my cycle ends up being a few weeks late.
Here is what I have learned.
Even though my intentions are pure, I am still desperately needed at home. Yes the family "survives," but just barely, and I can tell by my kids new change in behaviors. So, I am not so sad that my census work is supposedly ending this week.
Heavenly Father knows everything. I already knew this, but it seems like I need to relearn it a lot. It has been kind of interesting to watch things play out, and feel like there has been some divine intervention involved.
For some reason I am still needed in Young Women. That's fine. I like teaching lessons to teenagers. Really. I do. I'm not being sarcastic. We even got a new YW President last Sunday, and I specifically talked to her about whether or not I would be released anytime soon when she called me on the phone. So, apparently there is someone who needs me. :)
One of these days I will really and truly not get my hopes up when my cycle ends up being a few weeks late.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
It's Quality, Not Quantity...
So, this has been just psycho crazy time apparently for me. I mean, when was the LAST time I didn't write on my blog for an entire week? Even when I go on vacations I write blogs early and post date them, that's how addicted I am.
Well, last week was rough for me emotionally. It just was. I had a lot of things going on, and a lot of them I wanted to do, but at the same time I didn't. Not to mention the point that my body was sending me confusing signals, and the whole "am I...maybe...possibly pregnant this month?" roller coaster was going in full force. I'm not, just in case you're wondering.
So, Saturday came around, and with it came my dear sweet s-i-l's baby shower. I love my s-i-l, so it's not like it was a horrible thing. I think it's something only people who have struggled with wanting children...and not getting them, can fully understand and appreciate. Baby showers become the epitome of all emotions and things that you DO NOT want to deal with.
I have a hard time with baby showers right now, even on a good day, even when I want to go and be there. So, I was not exactly looking forward to this baby shower. I was helping with it though, or I would have probably bailed. Well, if it hadn't been my s-i-l's.
So, yes, a lot of prayers were said from me before I went. I wanted to have a good time. I didn't want to get offended by what anyone intentionally did or didn't say to me, or by all the baby conversations that would be going on. Or, by what people offhandedly take for granted.
I could still remember the baby shower I went to where two women had just found out they were pregnant...one with their 3rd child, one with their 4th, and they made the comment to each other..."Yeah, your first child you're all excited, your second you're still pretty excited, but by the third, it's like...'no big deal.'"
Yeah. Good times.
I was excited on one point. All my aunts would be there from my mom's family. I love my aunts, and hadn't seen them for a long time. It was great! We talked, and it was just fun.
I was glad I went. What was interesting, was when I was talking to one of my aunts and she made the comment to me... "Doesn't being around all these babies make you baby hungry?" My kind mom was standing next to me, and I think tried to intervene, but it was okay, because...well, it just was. And I just said, "Aunt, we need to talk!" I knew she not only would understand, but she would relate.
This aunt was only able to have two kids as well, and we talked. It was great! She told me the hardest thing for her, wasn't being around people who could have kids, it was being around her friends who would COMPLAIN about being pregnant, yet again. I could relate!
She told me about a saying that our Great Aunt (who also was only able to have two kids) would say to her... "You know, it's quantity, not quality that counts...but with us, it's quality, and not quantity."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in "how many kids do you have?" syndrome, that we forget that each of us are different. Even if we end up having just two kids in our family, what a blessing to have those two kids!
Well, last week was rough for me emotionally. It just was. I had a lot of things going on, and a lot of them I wanted to do, but at the same time I didn't. Not to mention the point that my body was sending me confusing signals, and the whole "am I...maybe...possibly pregnant this month?" roller coaster was going in full force. I'm not, just in case you're wondering.
So, Saturday came around, and with it came my dear sweet s-i-l's baby shower. I love my s-i-l, so it's not like it was a horrible thing. I think it's something only people who have struggled with wanting children...and not getting them, can fully understand and appreciate. Baby showers become the epitome of all emotions and things that you DO NOT want to deal with.
I have a hard time with baby showers right now, even on a good day, even when I want to go and be there. So, I was not exactly looking forward to this baby shower. I was helping with it though, or I would have probably bailed. Well, if it hadn't been my s-i-l's.
So, yes, a lot of prayers were said from me before I went. I wanted to have a good time. I didn't want to get offended by what anyone intentionally did or didn't say to me, or by all the baby conversations that would be going on. Or, by what people offhandedly take for granted.
I could still remember the baby shower I went to where two women had just found out they were pregnant...one with their 3rd child, one with their 4th, and they made the comment to each other..."Yeah, your first child you're all excited, your second you're still pretty excited, but by the third, it's like...'no big deal.'"
Yeah. Good times.
I was excited on one point. All my aunts would be there from my mom's family. I love my aunts, and hadn't seen them for a long time. It was great! We talked, and it was just fun.
I was glad I went. What was interesting, was when I was talking to one of my aunts and she made the comment to me... "Doesn't being around all these babies make you baby hungry?" My kind mom was standing next to me, and I think tried to intervene, but it was okay, because...well, it just was. And I just said, "Aunt, we need to talk!" I knew she not only would understand, but she would relate.
This aunt was only able to have two kids as well, and we talked. It was great! She told me the hardest thing for her, wasn't being around people who could have kids, it was being around her friends who would COMPLAIN about being pregnant, yet again. I could relate!
She told me about a saying that our Great Aunt (who also was only able to have two kids) would say to her... "You know, it's quantity, not quality that counts...but with us, it's quality, and not quantity."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in "how many kids do you have?" syndrome, that we forget that each of us are different. Even if we end up having just two kids in our family, what a blessing to have those two kids!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Where's That Silver Lining?
So, sometimes when I get to thinking too much about things...which does tend to happen off and on, I wonder, really, how I REALLY feel about things. I try to convince myself that I feel a certain way, and then something will happen, and *poof* gone. So, was I telling the truth, or did I know that DEEP down I was just trying to convince myself of what I wanted to be true?
Take, for example, the whole infertility thing that I have dealt with. I want to be happy for others. I tell myself I am happy for others. Crimeny, I tell other people that I am happy for others, and that I am blessed because I have two kids, isn't that great, everything is wonderful, I should be grateful, etc... Then, something will happen, and I will realize just how UNHAPPY I am about the whole situation.
Will it ever go away? Will thinking positive and praying make this longing temper down? It's very frustrating! I am HAPPY! I am grateful that I have two kids! I am grateful for so many things I couldn't even write them all down there are so many. So, why isn't that enough?
Take, for example, the whole infertility thing that I have dealt with. I want to be happy for others. I tell myself I am happy for others. Crimeny, I tell other people that I am happy for others, and that I am blessed because I have two kids, isn't that great, everything is wonderful, I should be grateful, etc... Then, something will happen, and I will realize just how UNHAPPY I am about the whole situation.
Will it ever go away? Will thinking positive and praying make this longing temper down? It's very frustrating! I am HAPPY! I am grateful that I have two kids! I am grateful for so many things I couldn't even write them all down there are so many. So, why isn't that enough?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I AM DONE! I QUIT!
No no, I am not quitting homeschool, that is actually going quite well. Even though it's only been three days, I can already see a POSITIVE change, and having him schooled at home has really helped me see that there are some little issues with certain subjects. Really though, putting some of the decision making in his ballpark has helped him become a little more responsible. :)
No, I am done worrying, wondering, hoping, praying, and thinking about having another child. It's been almost five years since we had one, and a year and a half since I was last pregnant. Well, apparently it's just not meant to be. If it happens it happens, but I'm done wishing that it would. (This especially occurred to me after yet another announcement of a potential due date. Lucky them. I hope they realize how blessed they are).
No, I am done worrying, wondering, hoping, praying, and thinking about having another child. It's been almost five years since we had one, and a year and a half since I was last pregnant. Well, apparently it's just not meant to be. If it happens it happens, but I'm done wishing that it would. (This especially occurred to me after yet another announcement of a potential due date. Lucky them. I hope they realize how blessed they are).
Friday, September 12, 2008
A New Day
The past week has been pretty interesting for me. It has really made me think about things, about how I behave and things that happened to me in the past.
Shane has a co-worker whose wife was pregnant. Yeah, I said "was." She miscarried on Sunday. She was 18 weeks along. I told Shane that made me sad. I was thinking about it, and I told him, that means she felt the baby move. She could feel him alive inside her. Having felt a baby move inside me before, then I thought about the other spectrum...how people abort their children.
Some, waiting until they are almost full-term, and in my mind, I just sit there and am baffled by how they could do it. Here I sit, still grieving for a child lost over a year ago that was barely large enough to even have the shape of hands and feet, whose heart beat once if at all, and someone else can kill a child that has been growing in them for 8 months. I just want to scream, "I'll take it! Give it to me!"
So, yes, I am sad, and I am still grieving. I look at how I wish people had talked to me after it happened, and then I look at how I treat people when something tragic happens to them. Do I run away? Do I avoid their eyes? Do I avoid the topic? The answer...yes. So, how can I expect others to treat me in such a way, when as much as I want to, I can't give them the same courtesey? I know the reason I do it. I feel like I don't know them well enough to pry. Do they trust me enough to talk about it? And, sometimes, it really does in a way make me grateful that I CAN in some ways relate...because you see...I've lost children too, and while the pain lessens, in some ways, it never really goes away.
Shane has a co-worker whose wife was pregnant. Yeah, I said "was." She miscarried on Sunday. She was 18 weeks along. I told Shane that made me sad. I was thinking about it, and I told him, that means she felt the baby move. She could feel him alive inside her. Having felt a baby move inside me before, then I thought about the other spectrum...how people abort their children.
Some, waiting until they are almost full-term, and in my mind, I just sit there and am baffled by how they could do it. Here I sit, still grieving for a child lost over a year ago that was barely large enough to even have the shape of hands and feet, whose heart beat once if at all, and someone else can kill a child that has been growing in them for 8 months. I just want to scream, "I'll take it! Give it to me!"
So, yes, I am sad, and I am still grieving. I look at how I wish people had talked to me after it happened, and then I look at how I treat people when something tragic happens to them. Do I run away? Do I avoid their eyes? Do I avoid the topic? The answer...yes. So, how can I expect others to treat me in such a way, when as much as I want to, I can't give them the same courtesey? I know the reason I do it. I feel like I don't know them well enough to pry. Do they trust me enough to talk about it? And, sometimes, it really does in a way make me grateful that I CAN in some ways relate...because you see...I've lost children too, and while the pain lessens, in some ways, it never really goes away.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Time flies
Wow, one holiday and suddenly the week flies by. I can't believe it's already Wednesday!
Poor Hazel has a nasty cold, so she didn't get to go to her last day of preschool yesterday. It's all right, she pretty much slept the whole time she would have been at school.
Harrison informed me that he didn't want to go to school today. I'm sitting there thinking, really, you don't want to go? It's the last week! The last week of school before summer vacation is the best! So, of course I convinced him to go. If he had been sick like Hazel, I might have considered it. I think today was like the fourth day this whole spring that Harrison was able to wear shorts to school. It's been so cold the rest of the time.
I think I bugged Shane enough about our lawn that today he went and took our lawnmower to get fixed...didn't help the prairie lawn look, but still, we are closer to having a nicely mowed lawn. I keep telling him we should just call our house "Little House on the Prairie in the City" because it seriously looks like it's in the middle of a meadow...outlined by sidewalks.
As for me...well, I've been lightheaded, somewhat dizzy, and just feeling bizarre. I went to the doc yesterday, and he told me that my symptoms sounded like something that was more out of his area of expertise, so he referred me to an internal specialist that has more experience in that area. I go see him on Friday. Technically, according to the medical world, I am not pregnant. Tests showed up negative (no blood test though), but I feel pregnant, and certain things still haven't happened, so until they do, I'm trying to stay positive. Plus, I'm hoping we can figure out why I've been so lightheaded lately...not low iron..Now you know what I know. :)
Poor Hazel has a nasty cold, so she didn't get to go to her last day of preschool yesterday. It's all right, she pretty much slept the whole time she would have been at school.
Harrison informed me that he didn't want to go to school today. I'm sitting there thinking, really, you don't want to go? It's the last week! The last week of school before summer vacation is the best! So, of course I convinced him to go. If he had been sick like Hazel, I might have considered it. I think today was like the fourth day this whole spring that Harrison was able to wear shorts to school. It's been so cold the rest of the time.
I think I bugged Shane enough about our lawn that today he went and took our lawnmower to get fixed...didn't help the prairie lawn look, but still, we are closer to having a nicely mowed lawn. I keep telling him we should just call our house "Little House on the Prairie in the City" because it seriously looks like it's in the middle of a meadow...outlined by sidewalks.
As for me...well, I've been lightheaded, somewhat dizzy, and just feeling bizarre. I went to the doc yesterday, and he told me that my symptoms sounded like something that was more out of his area of expertise, so he referred me to an internal specialist that has more experience in that area. I go see him on Friday. Technically, according to the medical world, I am not pregnant. Tests showed up negative (no blood test though), but I feel pregnant, and certain things still haven't happened, so until they do, I'm trying to stay positive. Plus, I'm hoping we can figure out why I've been so lightheaded lately...not low iron..Now you know what I know. :)
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