Just one of those things...

Today has been a roller coaster for me. It started out well, then went really downhill, then went okay, and then, after all the business went sad...

Here's what it boils down to...

Woke up, and I was happy because we were going to a parade, and the kids were going to be excited, listen to marching bands play in the parade, see Harrison perform a little karate demo with his sensai, what's not to like?

Then...I found out that another person I know is pregnant. This seems like number 50, but in reality it is more like number...15. THAT'S A LOT! So then I have the half of me that is happy for them, and then the other half, the jealous little monster half, that dredges up all the reasons why life sucks, and even though we would love to have more children, it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Of course I also have to remember the people I know that are pregnant and aren't happy about it AT ALL. It's something I've had to try really hard to look past and I haven't been very successful at it, but I keep trying.

So I get down. Really down. I cry. All I want to do is lie in bed and bemoan my fate. My heart aches. Then I ponder and think about how only people who have really lost something that they have wanted or loved like a child or family member, only they can truly understand. And at some point I turn to the one person who does understand, and if I open my heart, I am comforted, even if it is only brief and I'll be experiencing the same thing either in a month, or the next time someone says something that I try to laugh off, or the next pregnant person informs me of their "condition" in this epidemic that for some reason I'm not allowed to be a part of. When I let my heart truly open, this is how I feel:



I have to feel it. It's one of the only things that keeps me going.