Broken

I feel broken. That is the best way to describe it. After weeks of healing and feeling better and not really feeling terrible or emotionally unstable for the most part...I feel broken.

I don't know why.

Is it because I feel like I am seriously flubbing as a mom? Maybe.

Is it because, I wonder what it would be like for once to have a child who didn't take constant parenting? (And by constant, I mean, you always have to be watching and helping and making sure they don't somehow figure out how to burn the house down.) It's possible.

All I know, is I went to church yesterday, and Jeffrey behaved like he normally does. Some Sundays are better than others. Sometimes, we can get him to stay in the chapel for 20 minutes before he has a complete meltdown, a week ago he almost made it the whole meeting (which is so unusual I wondered if he was feeling well.) Yesterday I think he lasted about 5 minutes. Well, it only felt like five minutes. Usually he will at least last until the sacrament portion is done.

We usually sit in the middle. Another family usually sits on the other end of our pew. Jeffrey decided that going past the other family was the perfect way to get out. He was right. They even moved their legs to let him by. This of course all happened right during the sacrament when there was no way we could get him or chase him. Thankfully someone who sits farther back got him and took him out of the chapel. I am so grateful to them!

At first I was in shock that they just let him go by. Then the internal conversation in my head began. What did I expect? He's not their kid. I guess I figured there was some unwritten parent code. I know if I had the same thing happen to me, I wouldn't just let their kid go by me.

And apparently this just broke the dam inside me. The dam of feeling like I am the most ineffective mom ever. Feeling like I missed the class on How to be a Good Mom when I was in heaven. Wondering if I have it in me to parent and monitor and be effective to another child who has learning issues. (What are my alternatives really? It's not like I'm just going to give up on him!)

And then just wondering, what it would be like to have a child who just sits there obediently. At this stage in their life, I have no idea what that would be like.

I've been crying a lot.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to come back from it. How to not be broken anymore and have the strength I need. Only one person can give that to me. I know I need to turn this over to the Lord. I can't be successful otherwise.

Dear One

This is dedicated to my awesome husband. He has taken care of me all weekend, but who am I kidding? He has taken care of me since the day we were married. He has babied me more this weekend than normal, but I needed it.

I hate being sick, and being really sick on top of pregnant in my third trimester, makes it so much more fun!

Still, he buckles down, and gets the job done. He doesn't complain about having to care for the kids, or cleaning the kitchen, or vacuuming, or all the other millions of little chores. He just does it.

He has been a little stressed out lately. He gets that way when he gets worried about me. Then, of course, he worries about other things, and on top of it all, there is a lovely added stressor, that neither one of us completely expected, that involves family (extended family), and the heartbreak that is occurring for my in-laws right now, and wanting to help, but not knowing how to, and all the stresses that come with going through the grief process...because it is a form of grief, even though no one has died.

And did I mention we have a baby coming? :) That always adds a little stress, whether you want it to or not.

So yeah, he has a lot on his plate right now. This weekend he kept apologizing to me for being a little ornery, and I would just hug him and tell him it was okay, he has a lot to deal with right now, and I'm here to help him deal with it.

And we will deal with it, but as with all things, it takes time. It takes time to get over being betrayed, and wondering if there was anything more you could have done, to change an outcome, but knowing deep down, there really wasn't. It takes time to get over the anger. Anger at causing the people who love you grief, anger at the choices that are being made for selfish reasons. It just takes time.

It is hard to see him in this struggle. It is a struggle we both are dealing with, but if I have to deal with it, then I am glad that I have him with me, and we are in it together.