Broken

I feel broken. That is the best way to describe it. After weeks of healing and feeling better and not really feeling terrible or emotionally unstable for the most part...I feel broken.

I don't know why.

Is it because I feel like I am seriously flubbing as a mom? Maybe.

Is it because, I wonder what it would be like for once to have a child who didn't take constant parenting? (And by constant, I mean, you always have to be watching and helping and making sure they don't somehow figure out how to burn the house down.) It's possible.

All I know, is I went to church yesterday, and Jeffrey behaved like he normally does. Some Sundays are better than others. Sometimes, we can get him to stay in the chapel for 20 minutes before he has a complete meltdown, a week ago he almost made it the whole meeting (which is so unusual I wondered if he was feeling well.) Yesterday I think he lasted about 5 minutes. Well, it only felt like five minutes. Usually he will at least last until the sacrament portion is done.

We usually sit in the middle. Another family usually sits on the other end of our pew. Jeffrey decided that going past the other family was the perfect way to get out. He was right. They even moved their legs to let him by. This of course all happened right during the sacrament when there was no way we could get him or chase him. Thankfully someone who sits farther back got him and took him out of the chapel. I am so grateful to them!

At first I was in shock that they just let him go by. Then the internal conversation in my head began. What did I expect? He's not their kid. I guess I figured there was some unwritten parent code. I know if I had the same thing happen to me, I wouldn't just let their kid go by me.

And apparently this just broke the dam inside me. The dam of feeling like I am the most ineffective mom ever. Feeling like I missed the class on How to be a Good Mom when I was in heaven. Wondering if I have it in me to parent and monitor and be effective to another child who has learning issues. (What are my alternatives really? It's not like I'm just going to give up on him!)

And then just wondering, what it would be like to have a child who just sits there obediently. At this stage in their life, I have no idea what that would be like.

I've been crying a lot.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to come back from it. How to not be broken anymore and have the strength I need. Only one person can give that to me. I know I need to turn this over to the Lord. I can't be successful otherwise.