Letting Go

I've known for a long time, years even, that one of the food allergies I had was directly tied to an emotional experience. For much of that time I thought it was associated with a certain person, and that for whatever reason, even though I felt like I had gotten over the emotional turmoil, I just couldn't get rid of the allergy.

Well, I've discovered something with letting go of negative emotions and experiences since I started having foot zones, energy work, and chakra clearing done. (I know, sounds a little kooky even to me, but I am better off for it.)

Anyway, since I've set out on this healing adventure, which is going on about 10 years now, I've learned that when my body is ready to let go of things, it lets me know. This usually comes about by dreams, thoughts, experiences, etc...

Well, I had long ago just accepted the fact that I would probably always be forevermore allergic to strawberries. I had my first allergy to them when I was in my first year of college. I didn't know that's what it was at the time, I thought I just had a really horribly bad cold, but after a few years, I realized that strawberries were the culprit.

The other thing I learned was that it wasn't a "real" allergy. At least not in my blood. When I had my blood tested for specific allergies, nothing came back. NOTHING. That blew me away, because I KNEW that if I ate and do eat certain things, I do have a reaction. With strawberries that reaction happened whether I knew if there were strawberries in it or not.

Anyway, I hadn't even really been thinking about my allergy to strawberries. At least not on the forefront, but I had a dream. It was about someone that hasn't been in my life directly for a very long time. It was a very vivid dream. I felt very strong negative emotions in this dream. When I woke up, I had the thought that maybe, just maybe strawberries were tied to the negative emotions and experiences that I had with this person. It made even more sense to me, because I knew that Shane was also tied to my allergy to strawberries (not in a negative way, but because of the negative memories and experiences I had with this person, and how they also treated Shane, so it tied him into it too.)

Initially when I found out that Shane was tied to my strawberry allergy I was stumped. But after the dream, it all made sense, and then when I found out it really was that person, I had some soul searching to do.

I was thinking about all that I had went through with this person, in my junior and senior year of high school, and all the turmoil and craziness that this person brought to my life. I also thought about all the negative things and how it had affected me. It affected the early part of my marriage (which, honestly, anyone but Shane I don't think would've handled very well).

Initially I thought of the dark emotion that I harbored toward this person. It was black, I could see it in my mind. I gathered it (mentally) into a ball and let go of it. Then, knowing that I needed to replace it with something better, I replaced it with sorrow. Not sorrow like, oh I'm sad, but a sorrow more of, "I'm sorry that you felt you had to treat me this way, to be that person, to do those horrible things."

As I was thinking through all of it, I knew that another thing I needed to do was to forgive this person. I had the desire, but I knew that I just couldn't do it. I thought about it some more, and I prayed, and I remembered Corrie Ten Boom and how she couldn't forgive the Nazi officer who wanted to shake her hand after the war, and how she turned it over to the Lord and asked for his help to be able to forgive this man who had done horrible things to her and her sister. I thought, "Maybe I can do that too..." and so when I prayed I turned it over to the Lord. I told him I had the desire, but I couldn't do it without his help. I didn't want to hang onto this negative emotion/experience anymore.

In a moment the negative emotion was gone.

I felt light. I knew, that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ had helped me let go of this negative memory and experience in my life.

Supposedly my strawberry allergy is gone... It's been ten years. I am so used to not eating strawberries....I think it will take a while to dare to eat them again! Regardless, even if I still can't eat them, it is nice to know that such a dark chapter in my life has been laid to rest.

I Won't Give Up

This is the perfect song to describe yesterday. Yesterday, was bad. Emotionally for me, it was awful. Shane, in his loving and kind way, was a trooper. Then in the evening, I am sure at some point, I said something like, "I don't know why you put up with me." Then Shane said something close to "Because I love you." Then I said, "I won't give up on you if you won't give up on me." Then this song came to mind. So, there you go.

Then, of course it came to mind all the friends and family I have that have gotten divorced, in the process, or what. It's weird to think that we are one of the survivors. Before I got married I was told, "Remember when you are having a rough day in your marriage (and you will have them) that divorce is not an option." So that's what I've done.

 I realize that my situation is different than a lot of people's. I don't look at people who get divorced and think they are bad, I look and wonder what happened to have two people in love enough to get married, to get divorced. Was it abusive, addiction related, money, infidelity, or did they just draw apart?

Most of the time I realize that I'm not close enough to the inner circle of their life to know that information...and that's fine. Most of the time when I AM close enough to know the information...I wish I didn't, because it is almost always sad.

 A lot of things that happened yesterday weren't Shane and me disagreeing or anything like that. It was me having an emotionally rough time because of things that were happening that were out of my control, and then there was Shane, being my rock, consoling me, and telling me that everyone has a bad day once in a while, and it would be all right.

 Shane is a good example to me of how to love and care for a spouse. So, I try to treat him the same way. I think he is better at it than me, but I am glad he is on my team, and that we are both working together to be a part of an eternal relationship.

So...

It's that time again...the time where I sit here and really want to write something, and yet, nothing comes to mind. Do you want to read about all my surgical ventures? Probably not so much, and it gets tricky when I can't talk about anything specifically because of all the hippaa stuff.

I feel like these days my time consists of...get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, read a bedtime story, put kids to bed, and then repeat. It's made even more repetative and lonely when I never get to see Shane. Well, it feels like never. At least I get to kiss him goodbye in the morning and see him on the weekend and I can barely handle that. Meaning that I miss my hubby!!!

We keep hoping he will be put on the graveyard shift at least sometime soon, since day shift is next to impossible to get on. Plus, it really wouldn't help in the childcare dept especially for summer. Still, I am glad that we both have jobs and we are at least trying to get on top of our finances. It is encouraging to know that we have at least made some progress.

Hmm a story from my past maybe? Well, maybe a lesson learned. It's kind of interesting how we learn certain things. For example, I learned very early on in my teenage years that I could not handle being in a marriage with someone who played the same instrument as me. Isn't that funny? I remember, every time I liked a guy who played the instrument I did or he liked me, it just didn't go well.

I look at my marriage to Shane and I am so grateful for it. We get along so well. We don't have the disagreements that seem to plague most marriages. We like a lot of the same things, but we have our own interests too. Shane likes guns, me, not so much. He likes to snowmobile, ski, and other things. Me, not so much. I guess it's important to have opposite interests and similar interests. We think a lot alike, and while our personalities are different, we have a lot of similarities too. I guess the most wonderful thing about being married to Shane is that I enjoy being married to him, and it doesn't feel like work to do it. It can't get better than that!