A Change of Heart

It has taken me a while to get to this point; to get where I could actually put a word to how I've been feeling for almost the last year.

Discouraged. Discouraged is the perfect word.

I've had many close people in my life leave the church in the past 2-3 years. It's been a hard time. A time filled with lots of anger, hurt feelings, sadness, separation...it's been extremely difficult.

It's forced me to look at what I believe and really truly understand what I believe, why I believe it, and how.

A lot of introspection. A lot of reading my journals, and being so glad that I took the time to write about special experiences.

The past few months, I could feel the discouragement settle in. It wasn't doubt. Lot's of people like to use the word doubt. They began to doubt what they believed...I didn't doubt. I knew with all my heart what I believed and I didn't doubt any of it. Discouragement however...yes I felt discouraged. I felt weighed down by all the arguments, opinions...feeling mocked, weighed down by judgements that I was too stupid or too apathetic and naive to truly understand what I was believing.

Then, one day, I read an article in the Ensign about what to do to become stronger. Pray. Read the scriptures.

I hadn't really been praying much lately. Reading the scriptures only happened for the lessons I was preparing.

So, I started again. I began to pray at night and in the morning. Sincere prayer.

You know what? All the discouragement went away. I felt renewed with a bright hope, and strength began to fill me. A desire to believe and do what's right, come what may. No matter what anyone else thought of me, it didn't matter. People can post the opinions; the negative pieces that tear down, but I don't need to pay attention to them, because I know what is true, what is good, and what is right. Peace enters into my heart and takes away all the despair and negative feelings that try to have a place there. It gives me strength and courage to carry on and stand for what I believe.

Primary

I have been wondering what to write about for a while. I guess the writing bug just isn't in me these days.

So, I'm just going to be real here. My church calling is Primary. I teach the 7 year olds. They are hilarious. I told Shane that I must have angels helping me, because they say some pretty mean things. I can't tell if they mean to be mean, or if they are just seven, but it doesn't really phase me. Prior to now, it would have phased me. It would have made me depressed and sad and feeling like I was failing. Now, it just rolls off my back and I seriously just laugh at them. I think some of them maybe think I'm not a very nice teacher. I don't know that for sure.

My other class liked it when I made them badges, and puzzles, and handouts, and it was fun to prepare them for them. This class, the badges inevitably get ruined before we even make it out of the classroom, The handouts (which usually say something like Choose the Right) get colored into superheroes, and other assorted things, which, wow, talk about creative! One child's favorite crayon is the black one. I think I am going to have to buy more black crayons... the puzzles get pasted to their heads. It's quite a rambunctious group to say the least.

Every lesson I've taught, there is a spot where we are supposed to go over a song. If they know the song they are supposed to sing. This is great for me because I love singing, right? My other class liked it when I sang. This class doesn't. They've even told me, "we hate to sing!" I said, "Too bad, I'm going to sing anyway!" I also told them that they were really going to dislike my class because I sing ALL THE TIME. And, it's true, I do! I sing even though 3 of the 5 kids plug their ears while I do it. So I stop, and then when they put their hands down I start up again!

One of them asked me if their class was the worst class I'd ever taught... I told them no. I meant it. I have taught all assorted ages. 7 years olds telling you your lessons are boring is a lot different than 11 year olds telling you that you're lessons are boring. Of course, I guess I have a different mindset. The thought that goes through my head these days, is "You never know what they will pick up on and hang on to." You aren't in this calling for you. You are in it for them. That helps.

They also asked me if I was EVER going to bring treats. I told them that I only bring treats to reverent classes, and they would have to earn them. After saying this, another child in the class gasped and said, "Man, we are NEVER going to get treats!"

It's been quite an interesting experience that's for sure. The most interesting for me though, is I just feel at peace. I don't feel frustrated that they aren't listening, or that they say things that aren't very nice, or all the other craziness that is going on, I just kind of go, huh, take a cleansing breath and move on...and try not to laugh sometimes because of the things they say or the answers that they give to questions.

All I can say, is it's going to be an interesting year!

Broken

I feel broken. That is the best way to describe it. After weeks of healing and feeling better and not really feeling terrible or emotionally unstable for the most part...I feel broken.

I don't know why.

Is it because I feel like I am seriously flubbing as a mom? Maybe.

Is it because, I wonder what it would be like for once to have a child who didn't take constant parenting? (And by constant, I mean, you always have to be watching and helping and making sure they don't somehow figure out how to burn the house down.) It's possible.

All I know, is I went to church yesterday, and Jeffrey behaved like he normally does. Some Sundays are better than others. Sometimes, we can get him to stay in the chapel for 20 minutes before he has a complete meltdown, a week ago he almost made it the whole meeting (which is so unusual I wondered if he was feeling well.) Yesterday I think he lasted about 5 minutes. Well, it only felt like five minutes. Usually he will at least last until the sacrament portion is done.

We usually sit in the middle. Another family usually sits on the other end of our pew. Jeffrey decided that going past the other family was the perfect way to get out. He was right. They even moved their legs to let him by. This of course all happened right during the sacrament when there was no way we could get him or chase him. Thankfully someone who sits farther back got him and took him out of the chapel. I am so grateful to them!

At first I was in shock that they just let him go by. Then the internal conversation in my head began. What did I expect? He's not their kid. I guess I figured there was some unwritten parent code. I know if I had the same thing happen to me, I wouldn't just let their kid go by me.

And apparently this just broke the dam inside me. The dam of feeling like I am the most ineffective mom ever. Feeling like I missed the class on How to be a Good Mom when I was in heaven. Wondering if I have it in me to parent and monitor and be effective to another child who has learning issues. (What are my alternatives really? It's not like I'm just going to give up on him!)

And then just wondering, what it would be like to have a child who just sits there obediently. At this stage in their life, I have no idea what that would be like.

I've been crying a lot.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to come back from it. How to not be broken anymore and have the strength I need. Only one person can give that to me. I know I need to turn this over to the Lord. I can't be successful otherwise.

Of Journals and Things...

I have written in a journal for many years. I think I first started doing it regularly when I was a freshman in high school. I think I started doing it because I always saw my sister writing in hers. She was always a good example to me growing up.

As the years have passed I have realized a few things about journals. Just like my blog, there are spiritual entries, entries where I bare my testimony, historical entries where I write about dates of birth, deaths, birthdays, marriages...and things of that nature, and then there are the entries where I just write about whatever I feel like writing.

The longer time goes by, the more I like to write about spiritual things. There are a few reasons for this. The mind is a fickle thing. There are many times where I will have a spiritual experience then write about it, and then years later I may be reading my journal and be reminded of that experience. It helps strengthen my testimony. There are also many things that I haven't written about, and I can't remember them.

As I sit contemplating things, and a huge one for me lately, which I know I've written about before, is how people can change so much over time. Their beliefs change, their testimonies change, they change. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is sad when that change leads them away from God.

I wonder sometimes if they have forgotten the experiences they have had. I know, in my mind, there are times where I question things. I honestly truly question what I believe at times...and then, I am reminded of all the things I have experienced...things that I can't look past or reason away with logic, and I remember why I believe what I do, and why it is good. It also helps me remember why I truly believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior and Redeemer of the world. That he has so much love for each of us. So much. When I read through my journal I remember this. It helps me when I begin to forget, and my heart feels at peace.

I Can Do Hard Things...

There seems to be some popular statements that permeate everything these days... here are some examples: 

I can do hard things.
Just do it!
You can do it if you just try!
Listen to your inner voice.

(There are many more.) What is wrong with these statements? They're positive aren't they? They're powerful and encouraging aren't they? To this I would reply yes. However, they leave out a key component.

 Let's add it and see if it changes anything...

 I can do hard things...with Christ.
 Just do it...by the grace of Christ.
 You can do it if you just try...with the strength of Christ.
 Listen to your inner voice...with the grace of Christ.

 What changed? I added Christ to the equation.

 I find that in many situations we try to do things ourselves. I don't know if it's the stubbornness in me, the natural man, or the negative that tries to convince me that I can do it all on my own. Life is so much easier when I add Christ to my life and allow Him to help me carry the load.

Does that mean it is easy peasy? No. It means I have the strength to carry on for one more day and the courage to try harder and do better.

 Philippians 4:13
 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Alma 26:12
 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

Elder Bednar had some interesting things to say about being strong through the grace and atonement of Christ when he was first called to be an apostle back in 2004:

     ""In the Bible Dictionary we learn that the word grace frequently is used in the scriptures to connote a strengthening or enabling power:
     "The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and   love of Jesus Christ."
“… It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts” (p. 697).

Thus, the enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement helps us to see and to do and to become good in ways that we could never recognize or accomplish with our limited mortal capacity. I testify and witness that the enabling power of the Savior’s Atonement is real. Without that strengthening power of the Atonement, I could not stand before you this morning.""

Here is the link if you would like to read the entire talk

I hope I will always remember that if I have the humility to involve Christ in my life, I will be given the strength I need to deal with the trials and complexities of life.

Strong to Weak

I've had a lot of thoughts floating around in my mind this past while. A lot. Every time I thought about writing on my blog, I just kept thinking that if I did it in that time frame and that mind set, inevitably I would regret the thoughts pouring out, which would defeat the purpose of writing anyway.

A while ago I wrote on here about how we are shown our weaknesses so we can become strong through Christ. Well, since that time, it has been made quite apparent to me how the opposite is true as well. The adversary is quite adept at taking our strengths and making them weak. Making them our downfall.

We had a lesson on it last Sunday in fact, which was quite fitting since I was having a difficult time sifting through my emotions involving choices other people were making. How did they get to that point? How did they reach a level where they felt like not only did they have to do it on their own, but they were capable of doing it completely on their own? How did they get to a point where things that bring peace and order, began to bring disarray?

These are the things I think about and wonder, mainly because I don't want to get to that level. I want to stay far far away from it!

So, it brought to mind a few interesting articles that I had read in the past. One was a blog post from Middle Aged Mormon Man, and in that post they linked to a talk given by an apostle.
The blog post I specifically liked was this one:

Let's Talk About Sand

I remember when I initially read that blog post, we were discussing the wise man and the foolish man in our Sunday School class. It was brought up that sometimes, our testimony can be strong, but become weak. I thought about that... sometimes our testimony can be built on rock, and we just let it be, or we forget to anchor it, or we just stop caring... then the rains come down and the winds blow, and the rock begins to crack and crumble, and eventually if we continue to neglect it, it turns to sand. Then when even more trials come our way, there is nothing to anchor to, because our testimony is gone, and we are washed away into a sea of unbelief.

A talk that directly correlates with this is Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall which was given by Dallin H Oaks.

In all of this, I have learned and noticed one HUGE glaring thing. It is so important to maintain a testimony based on Jesus Christ. It is so necessary to realize the importance that he has in my life, and that if I rely on Him I can achieve what I need to. If my faith and testimony are anchored in Him, I know I will succeed.

The waves can come crashing down, and the storms may rage, but my testimony will still be there, anchored in Christ.

Helaman 5:12 And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.


And that, is what has been on my mind lately.

To Be A Sincere Friend

This year in Sunday School we have been reading and discussing the Old Testament of the Bible. Today we were reading in Samuel about David, Saul, and Jonathan. It was a very interesting lesson for me, one filled with a lot of teaching. It made me think deeply about a lot of things. It made me realize a lot of things I need to change, things I need to work on, and things, that I have already started to work on because of things I had noticed.
One quote given during the lesson really hit me hard. It was from Ezra Taft Benson:

“Saul became an enemy to David through pride. He was jealous because the crowds of Israelite women were singing that ‘Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands’ (1 Samuel 18:7; see also 1 Samuel 18:6, 8).

“The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. … ‘What will men think of me?’ weighs heavier than ‘What will God think of me?’ …

“Fear of men’s judgment manifests itself in competition for men’s approval. The proud love ‘the praise of men more than the praise of God’ (John 12:42–43). Our motives for the things we do are where the sin is manifest. Jesus said He did ‘always those things’ that pleased God (John 8:29). Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another?

“Some prideful people are not so concerned as to whether their wages meet their needs as they are that their wages are more than someone else’s. Their reward is being a cut above the rest. …

“When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1989, 4–5; or Ensign, May 1989, 5).

As we went through the lesson it was interesting to me to learn about Jonathan and his friendship with David, even though David was getting everything and Jonathan wasn't. Jonathan had done just as great things as David, and yet, he was able to be happy for David, and not only that, support him.

On the other hand, we have Saul, who was so deep in his jealousy for David that he tried to kill him three times! Can you imagine being that jealous of someone?

I know there have been times where I have been jealous of people. Whether it be things that they have, or love and recognition that they are receiving that I want for myself, this lesson has really made me step back and look at how I treat people. It also made me think hard about how feeling jealous of people or having the "grass is greener" attitude, is a form of pride. I think oftentimes we look at pride and view it as something we have when we are proud of ourselves for certain accomplishments (look at me, look at what I have), and we don't realize that being jealous is a form of pride.

I know that previously, I had already started changing how I respond to things that people write on facebook when they are sharing their joy. Maybe they are going on an amazing trip, buying a new house, having a baby, etc... I found a common thing for people to say was "I am jealous!" It gave me pause, and I decided that I would share in their joy. I found that when I began to do that, I didn't feel any longing for what they had, what they had achieved, or anything else. I found that I was truly happy for them.

This lesson also taught me that, instead of comparing myself to others, I should really be focused on what God wants me to have, and how I can do the best I can to achieve what he wants me to. Part of that, is by being a true friend.

 Mosiah 18:9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

An Interesting Thought

So, I have about 5 books I am reading right now simultaneously. I know that seems kind of nuts, but most of them are non-fiction, spiritual, improving yourself, type books. The way my thought process works, I have to read it in chunks. I can't just sit down and read through the book. This is thinking material!

Anyway, one of the books is "Choose Higher Ground" by Henry B Eyring.

At one spot in the book, where he is talking about increasing our faith, he makes what I felt was an interesting point.

He wrote: "Great faith has a short shelf life."

I think too often we gain a testimony and then just let it sit. Just like a muscle that goes unused atrophies and becomes weak, so can our testimony if we don't constantly nourish it.

Then, when we need to rely on that strong testimony...it isn't there, and our faith crumbles.

I've thought about that a lot this week.

It's been interesting how many people have told me to "have faith and everything will be all right."

What does that mean to you?

I do have faith, and I do have trust, but rather than put a stipulation on it, I put that faith and trust in the Lord. Sometimes, things aren't "all right" sometimes, we have to go through sorrow, pain, illness, loss, etc... because there is something that we need to learn, that won't come any other way. Sometimes, that is the very experience that strengthens our faith and intensifies our determination to follow the Lord.

Instead of thinking, "please let everything be all right" I find myself thinking "please help me to be strong and willing to go through what I need to. Please help me to be calm and at peace with the things that I need to deal with...and help me learn what I need to from this experience."

I'm not perfect at doing this...but, when I find myself feeling a little anxious or scared, I think, "I have faith in the Lord's plan for me." The fear leaves, and I feel comforted.

The Important Things

This past week I have been contemplating a lot about what I listened to and watched of General Conference. It was like a feast that took me a while to fully digest. I'm sure I will learn even more when my Ensign comes and I can read the talks again.

The main talk that stood out for me, and there were many great ones and so much to learn, was a talk given by Linda S Reeves who is the current 2nd counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency. Ironically, it wasn't the main topic that caught me...which was the importance of protecting our families from pornography...it was the importance of having a Christ centered home.

How can we do this in our homes? Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

Did you notice that last phrase? The ONLY things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.

Now, I realize that this is to be taken in context, but for me this was huge. HUGE. My whole marriage I have felt like I wasn't doing what I was supposed to because my house was a mess, laundry is never completed, there's crumbs on the floor, and an assortment of toys, blankets, shoes, etc... everywhere. (Never because of Shane, this was my own feeling). I felt like if I was the wife and mother I should be, my house would be spotless like a magazine. For some women, this is doable. For me, I get tired of always cleaning, the neverending chores, and too frequently find myself distracted by a book. Then, feeling guilty, the messiness at times becomes too much, and I would find myself overwhelmed by an unending task.

So, hearing that, I thought, okay, read the scriptures, pray, and family home evening. These are things I can do. These are things that are vital to a Christ centered home. If I focus on these things, the other things will come.

That has become my goals for the year. Read the scriptures nightly as a family. Family prayer in the morning and evening. Weekly family home evening. I know I am repeating myself, but these three simple things, are things that we have always struggled to do. I realize that this is because they are important! If they aren't a priority, SOMETHING will come or happen or take place to prevent you from doing it.

Even in this past week, I have noticed that every night, EVERY NIGHT, we have been reading scriptures, and the phone that has been silent all day, will ring. It's been uncanny! Still, we have pressed on. It has been good. Our older kids love it, and our younger ones like being around everyone, and already I have noticed a change in the environment.

I have felt more motivated to work on the house, but even more, I have not worried about if the house is spotless. I find myself spending more time with my kids and enjoying them. I find myself not getting stressed about the little things. I find my mind and thoughts changing.

The Light of the World

Yesterday I was preparing to go visiting teaching and it was my turn to prepare the lesson. I knew that the people we were going to go visit had most likely already had the lesson, but I still felt it was important to prepare. In my experience, you never know where the Holy Ghost will lead you, and just because you've heard the same lesson 4 times, doesn't mean you can't learn something more, if your heart is ready to receive it.

Once we got to whom we were visiting, she did let us know that yes, she had heard the lesson a few times. I pressed on. I didn't feel inspired to give most of the lesson, because I knew she'd heard it. What I did feel inspired to give was the scripture. Unlike everything else in the article, scripture references are written but you have to look them up. (I know, work!) Still, when I had read one particular scripture it had stood out to me more than anything else, so that was what I shared.

It came from D&C 50:24

 24 That which is of God is ^alight; and he that ^breceiveth ^clight, and^dcontinueth in God, receiveth more ^elight; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

Then, I also felt like I should share an insight that I had had, in trying to sort out my thoughts with things that people had told me in the past. 

This is how my mind works. It's how I learn. I look at ways people live their life (I'm not excluded from this) and I look at what occurred and how it's affected their life, and I think, do I want that to happen to me? Then I take that information and apply it to my own life. 

There once was a person with a strong testimony. Because they were scientifically minded, (which isn't bad) they decided they needed to find proof if the church was false, if religion was false, that God doesn't exist, and that Jesus Christ isn't real. Guess what? For them, they found proof of all these things, and their testimony was gone.

There once was a person with a strong testimony. Because they were scientifically minded, (which isn't bad) they decided they needed to find proof that the church was true, that religion has merit, that God is all powerful and loves us, and that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. Guess what? They found proof of all these things and their testimony was strengthened.

Here is what I shared: You will find what you are looking for. 

If you are looking to prove something false, you will find things to support your claim, if you are looking to prove that God exists, you will find it. So what's right? What's true? I can't tell you that. I know that for me, I have a sincere testimony that the gospel is true, that Jesus is the Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, the Light of the World, that He is our brother and that He loves us dearly. I also firmly believe that if we search for good, we will find it. If we search for miracles we will find them. If we look for proof that God has a vested interest in our choices and beliefs, we will find them.

Cultivating Faith

After I completed yesterday's post, I began thinking and pondering about the last quote I had put in there : "Cast out doubt, cultivate faith." As I thought about it, the phrase kept entering my mind, How can I cultivate faith?  Many things begin to enter my contemplation, so I thought I would share some of them.

A lot of them are what people call "Sunday School Answers" but I dug a little deeper. I didn't just think, read the scriptures, I thought about why reading the scriptures was important. So, here are a few ways I thought about cultivating faith.

First, I thought about how important it is to have the desire to believe. In Alma 32:27 it states: But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

It is important to me to note though, that this is just the beginning of faith, not the ending.  This is where you plant the seed, hoping that it will result in more faith. Hope is a precursor that is linked to faith, and desire is the precursor to hope. You have the desire, you hope, and then you begin to have faith.


Another quote from the book"Bringing Elizabeth Home" states:

"Hope, like faith, is the evidence of things not seen. You can't have faith without hope. Hope is like the precursor to faith, and faith becomes the sustaining power. If you give up hope, you give up faith. None of those things are diminished by the outcome of whatever happens in our lives. We will all have adversity. We can either become stronger and better because of it, or weakened because of it. Our faith can be strengthened through our hard times."

By reading the scriptures, you are allowing yourself to learn by the best teachers. Past prophets who prophesied of God and of our Savior Jesus Christ. If you immerse yourself in the scriptures, allowing the Holy Ghost to teach you, your faith will grow, and you will be taught.

There are many ways to read and ponder the scriptures though. I think sometimes we get stuck on reading them in order. I find what works for me, is to pick a topic and study it. So, for example, since I'm writing about faith, I look up all the scriptures that are about faith and I study them.

Another way to cultivate faith, is to go to church. I think this is a huge thing. Yes, it isn't always possible, and many times when you have small kids, you begin to wonder if it is worth it, but it is. I find that often when I go to church, I am taught by both the scriptures and the Holy Ghost. If I have a question that has been weighing on my mind, or a concern, or a thought, there have been many times where what I need to learn and what I need to know will be brought to my mind. It's quite amazing really.

Our stake president once taught us in stake conference, that if we are mentally prepared horizontally, we will be taught by the spirit vertically. I can always tell when I am mentally prepared!

Prayer is definitely a way of cultivating faith. When we pray intently to our Heavenly Father, about our problems, hopes, desires, gratitude, etc., we become closer to Him. Our trust in Him is increased, and as a result, our faith is increased. You have to have trust in God, to have your faith increase, trusting that He knows best, and that all we experience is for our good.

I could have partially wondered that at the beginning of last year, but because of experiences that I had, and continue to have, I feel stronger. Yes things are still hard at times, there is still adversity, but there is also a greater desire to continue on and continue to grow.

There are many other ways to cultivate faith. I really feel like I've just scratched the surface. As I continue to search and ponder, I may have to write another post on more ways to cultivate faith.

A Quote Within A Quote

So, it's kind of fun working at the library because I see all kinds of books come through, and when one catches my eye I check it out for myself to read it. Of course, I still find other books too, when I'm not working.

One such book "Bringing Elizabeth Home" which is about when Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped, written from the perspective of her parents, was one that I had always intended to read, and then just didn't for whatever reason. Since it was available, I checked it out, and then put myself on the hold list for the one written by Elizabeth Smart that came out this past year.

Anyway, as I was reading it, they quoted a part of a book written by Spencer W Kimball called, "Faith Precedes the Miracle," (which I also want to read!)

"Some reservoirs are to store water. Some are to store food. There should also be reservoirs of knowledge to meet future needs; reservoirs of courage to overcome the floods of fear that put uncertainty in lives; reservoirs of stamina; and reservoirs of faith--especially reservoirs of faith--so that when the world presses upon us, we stand firm and strong; when the temptations of a decaying world about us draw upon our energies, sap our spiritual vitality, and seek to pull us down, we need a storage of faith that can carry us over the dull, difficult, terrifying moments, disappointments, disillusionments and adversity, want, confusion, and frustration."

When I read that quote, it made me pause for a moment and think about my own reservoir of faith... how full is it? What do I need to do to fill it up further?

It is something that I am still thinking about as I contemplate ways I can improve. Then as my mind traveled over songs that I knew, the one that came to mind was this one: The Light Divine

http://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/the-light-divine?lang=eng#

If you click on the audio tab you can hear it with the words. Otherwise it just plays the music without words.

I also thought about this video clip:

"Cast out doubt, cultivate faith."

Good words to live by. :)

An Apology of Sorts

So, apparently I offended a lot of people with the post I wrote on Sunday. They all assumed it was them I was writing about. To those people I offended, I'm sorry. I was trying to make my writing more personable without pointing fingers to any one person or family. That is the main reason why I revised the post that I wrote on there, afterwards, when they all let me know what I had done.

It was not my intent to make anyone feel bad, gossiped about, or angry, or add any other assortment of emotions there. My desire, was to let people experience a small amount of what I had experienced when I heard the talk I referenced in my post and the reflection that I had with it.

That is the tricky thing with writing. People add inflection where none is given. You never really know how people are going to interpret things, and where they are going to add importance. We get used to talking with people in person, where we can add social cues, verbal inflection, facial reaction, and body language that helps us gauge how the other person or group of people are reacting to what we are saying. You don't have that with writing, so a lot of hurt feelings abound. I think facebook is a really good example of that. Someone will try to write something trying to be funny and lighthearted, and wow, no one will see it that way.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I had a lot of people that really enjoyed reading that post, which is why I chose to revise it.

I am not perfect by any means. I make mistakes every day. I do things and make choices that afterwards I wonder why I did that certain action. Yes, because I am imperfect, I do things that lead me away from our Savior. I wander off on my own distracting cutoff at times. That is one of many reasons why I am grateful that we all have the opportunity to repent. I am grateful that we have scriptures, prayer, music, church, friends, family, church leaders and a whole bunch of other things, that can help lead us back to the path we should be on. The path that will lead to our Savior Jesus Christ. It is also one of the reasons why I enjoyed that talk so much, and felt like I had to share it on my blog, and because I have friends and family that I felt would enjoy it, I linked it to facebook.

Rejoice

I have always been one that seems to feel the Spirit most strongly when listening to music. When I was younger, it was hymns that helped me gain a testimony of Jesus Christ. It was religious music that told me and helped me gain an understanding that I am a daughter of God, and that I am loved.

So, it is no surprise to me, that hymns seem to help me still in times when I feel sorrow, in times when I long for peace, and in times when I pause to reflect on things in my life.

This hymn, however, is one that I always think of as bringing pure light and sunshine to my soul. Rejoice! What a positive word that is. Rejoice the Lord is King!

It make my heart light and brings a smile to my face. Then, to listen to it with music...pure bliss.

In Psalms 32:11 we read:   Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart.

The words to the hymn were written by Charles Wesley, who was an English leader of the Methodist movement.

I love the words:

1. Rejoice, the Lord is King!
Your Lord and King adore!
Mortals, give thanks and sing
And triumph evermore.

[Chorus]
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!

2. The Lord, the Savior, reigns,
The God of truth and love.
When he had purged our stains,
He took his seat above.

3. His kingdom cannot fail;
He rules o'er earth and heav'n.
The keys of death and hell
To Christ the Lord are giv'n.

To me, this is such a positive and inspirational hymn of hope and light. "His kingdom cannot fail:" In some ways the words are so simple, but they bring such cheerfulness to my heart. They remind me why I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, why I believe he is the Savior for us all, and why we have hope that we can return to be with our Heavenly Father again.

Strait is the way, and narrow the gate...

I had an amazing Sabbath today, and was definitely spiritually filled and uplifted.

It started with a talk given by a member of our congregation. He based his talk on one given by Elaine Jack. http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=721

It was titled "Never Take No Cutoffs." She goes on to reference the story of the ill-fated Donner Party and likening it to our own path to exaltation, and how we can go off in unbelief when we choose to follow a different path.

"For the Donner party there was a proven trail. It was longer, but it was sure. Gambling on their own abilities and personal ambitions, they took a road that had never been tested. The result is history.

The Lord says, “Enter ye in at the strait gate: . . . Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13–14).

As you follow the path of the Savior, keeping your covenants and his commandments, you will be assaulted from all sides with offers to take other roads, other travel packages. Anything the adversary can do to pull you off course, he will do. He’ll stop at nothing to catch your attention, and then, ever so slyly, he will lead you away from the work of the Lord."

When we cease to follow the path of the Savior, it becomes easier to justify that which is wrong. It is easier to do the things we know we shouldn't. It is easier to look at past commitments and covenants, and see them as faulty. And then, when we have gone far down that path of darkness, it is easier to mock and condemn that which we once held as truth and light, until it becomes impossible to see the goodness for what it truly is.

God's way is the only way. It brings to mind a quote that I really like : " Elder Neal A. Maxwell likes to quote William Law, an English clergyman of the 18th century, who said it this way: “If you have not chosen the Kingdom of God, it will make in the end no difference what you have chosen instead.” 

Do Not Despair

It has been an interesting week for me. I have always been prone to seeing the dark side of life, getting overwhelmed, and other negative things. This week, as I have tried to be more spiritual, has also seen an intensity in the negative emotions. I can only think and believe, it is because I am trying to do something good, that this has happened.

The desire to give up, to not try, to just let it be, has been so enormous. Of course being a mom and wife is hard. Just being a good person is hard. This week has seemed to be even more so. Yesterday was crazy as I tried to take care of my family. Dealing with a child that has to have tests done to make sure that they don't have appendicitis, and then dealing with what is really going on.

I felt my self going down. To top it off, my house was a total disaster. I tend to be one who likes things neat and orderly, but most of the time I stuff that inclination down for the peace of my family. When I am already feeling down, it makes it amplified that our house is not the cleanest or most organized one on the block. Which, honestly, I really don't care about. I just feel more peaceful when things are clean and in order.

Then came today. After a week of interrupted sleep, today reared it's ugly head, and I had no desire to deal with today. In desperation I looked up a talk on lds.org and found this gem:

It was exactly what I needed to hear! I even read along with it. Not only did it provide the balm that I needed for my soul. It provided things to do, steps to take, goals to have and create! What an inspiration! I found myself filled with a desire to do better, and the darkness has abated again.

There are scripture references in the text. You can find them in the talk here: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1974/10/do-not-despair

The day has become a joy again. A challenge to become greater as I serve my family and friends. I can do this!

What a weekend

It has been quite the weekend for me.

We'll start with Friday. Early Friday morning I was holding Emmett on my bed, rolled, and apparently rolled wrong, and threw my back out. I'm guessing it happened about 3 or 4 in the morning, because by the time I went to my chiropractor at 8 I could barely walk and felt like I had daggers shooting down my legs.

Thankfully, my awesome sister in law came and helped me, because I wasn't supposed to lift anything, and there is no way I could have taken care of my two little kidlings. I also had to call and find someone to take my shift at the library, because there is no way I could have helped people when I could barely stand upright.

Every time I throw out my back it reminds me how grateful I am that I have the health I do. It also gives me more motivation to not take my back for granted and to be more kind to it.

So, after all weekend, now I can mostly get around without pain. Compared to Friday it is quite improved, but compared to no pain at all, yes there is still some there. Not enough to keep me from working at the library today though! I can do it! Plus, I will be second clerk so I will just be assisting the other clerk for a few hours.

The good part of this weekend was general conference. It was so nice and inspiring and spiritually uplifting to listen to the leaders of our church, especially in the conflicting times that we are experiencing.

The future is going to be very interesting.

Caught in the Middle

I discovered something yesterday, as I was helping Shane with his Elder's Quorum party. I am beginning to get old. Not OLD old, but closer to 50 than I am to 20. THAT makes me feel OLD. Also, the realization that out of all the people that came to the party, Shane and I were some of the oldest. There was maybe one other family that was older.

The odd thing is that I still have a hard time seeing myself being the age of adults. I watch tv shows and it has to take a minute to hit me that I'm the same age as the characters in the show. I definitely don't feel old enough to have a son who is almost old enough to be a teenager!

I go to church and because of where we live...there are either older couples with grown children, or younger couples with small children. We are either years younger than the couples with teenagers, or years older than the couples with elementary kids.

It doesn't bother me, I mean, I like to think that we relate well to lots of different people, but other people seem to have a hard time relating to me. It makes me think about things a lot sometimes, and how I can be better and improve myself, so people CAN relate to me.

Positive Affirmation Frustration

So, I've been working on positive affirmations with my friend. I guess I should say that she has been working on them with me. :) It does make me think more positively about things, instead of dwelling on the dark gloomy side of life, which helps me not be depressed and sound like Eeyore all the time. It's a good thing.

One of the things you do with positive affirmations is you think about things the way you wish they were, instead of how they actually are. For example, because I want my house to sell, and it hasn't, I would think to myself and actually do think to myself... I am so grateful that my house sold. The people that bought it love  the colors we painted it, and I am so grateful that it meets their needs.

So, here's my positive affirmation for today...maybe if I repeat it enough times, it will start to happen... I am so grateful that the people in my church ward love to share their musical talents with everyone. It makes my calling so easy because they call me because they are so excited that they have a talent to share.

Yes, I am frustrated right now. Yes, I just want to throw my hands in the air and say, "Ya know what?! No one wants to share, fine! We'll sing intermediate hymns all summer long." Yes, it has been that kind of day.

Kind of funny...in a way... :)

So, I think most of you know if you read this blog that I am currently unable to work because my body freaks out if I so much as walk...pretty much anywhere. Going to the store and church are pretty much the limit of my outside adventures. (Oh yeah, and the doctor's office because it's SO FUN to go there...)

Well, a few months ago I had some pain in my back on the side. Usually this means you have a kidney infection or a kidney stone, but lucky me, it doesn't mean anything, it just means my body wants to have excruciating pain in that exact location.

From that experience the sweet ladies in my ward (they really are nice) I guess decided that the reason I can't work is because of that. I love how rumors get started. ;) Of course, the info only gets shared when really nice people are trying to decide who they can give service to by giving them extra food.

I guess one of the youth camps just got finished and they had a lot of food left over so they were trying to find people that needed that food, but it's not a ready made meal. It's food that's prepared that needs to be made into a meal.

So the person in charge of this food found out about me and called to see if I would be interested. Well Yeah! Then they proceeded to tell me what they had been told and then how my husband had given them the...more accurate version of the story. :)

It made me laugh when I found out, and believe me I need all the laughs I can get right now!