A Change of Heart

It has taken me a while to get to this point; to get where I could actually put a word to how I've been feeling for almost the last year.

Discouraged. Discouraged is the perfect word.

I've had many close people in my life leave the church in the past 2-3 years. It's been a hard time. A time filled with lots of anger, hurt feelings, sadness, separation...it's been extremely difficult.

It's forced me to look at what I believe and really truly understand what I believe, why I believe it, and how.

A lot of introspection. A lot of reading my journals, and being so glad that I took the time to write about special experiences.

The past few months, I could feel the discouragement settle in. It wasn't doubt. Lot's of people like to use the word doubt. They began to doubt what they believed...I didn't doubt. I knew with all my heart what I believed and I didn't doubt any of it. Discouragement however...yes I felt discouraged. I felt weighed down by all the arguments, opinions...feeling mocked, weighed down by judgements that I was too stupid or too apathetic and naive to truly understand what I was believing.

Then, one day, I read an article in the Ensign about what to do to become stronger. Pray. Read the scriptures.

I hadn't really been praying much lately. Reading the scriptures only happened for the lessons I was preparing.

So, I started again. I began to pray at night and in the morning. Sincere prayer.

You know what? All the discouragement went away. I felt renewed with a bright hope, and strength began to fill me. A desire to believe and do what's right, come what may. No matter what anyone else thought of me, it didn't matter. People can post the opinions; the negative pieces that tear down, but I don't need to pay attention to them, because I know what is true, what is good, and what is right. Peace enters into my heart and takes away all the despair and negative feelings that try to have a place there. It gives me strength and courage to carry on and stand for what I believe.