Letting Go

I've known for a long time, years even, that one of the food allergies I had was directly tied to an emotional experience. For much of that time I thought it was associated with a certain person, and that for whatever reason, even though I felt like I had gotten over the emotional turmoil, I just couldn't get rid of the allergy.

Well, I've discovered something with letting go of negative emotions and experiences since I started having foot zones, energy work, and chakra clearing done. (I know, sounds a little kooky even to me, but I am better off for it.)

Anyway, since I've set out on this healing adventure, which is going on about 10 years now, I've learned that when my body is ready to let go of things, it lets me know. This usually comes about by dreams, thoughts, experiences, etc...

Well, I had long ago just accepted the fact that I would probably always be forevermore allergic to strawberries. I had my first allergy to them when I was in my first year of college. I didn't know that's what it was at the time, I thought I just had a really horribly bad cold, but after a few years, I realized that strawberries were the culprit.

The other thing I learned was that it wasn't a "real" allergy. At least not in my blood. When I had my blood tested for specific allergies, nothing came back. NOTHING. That blew me away, because I KNEW that if I ate and do eat certain things, I do have a reaction. With strawberries that reaction happened whether I knew if there were strawberries in it or not.

Anyway, I hadn't even really been thinking about my allergy to strawberries. At least not on the forefront, but I had a dream. It was about someone that hasn't been in my life directly for a very long time. It was a very vivid dream. I felt very strong negative emotions in this dream. When I woke up, I had the thought that maybe, just maybe strawberries were tied to the negative emotions and experiences that I had with this person. It made even more sense to me, because I knew that Shane was also tied to my allergy to strawberries (not in a negative way, but because of the negative memories and experiences I had with this person, and how they also treated Shane, so it tied him into it too.)

Initially when I found out that Shane was tied to my strawberry allergy I was stumped. But after the dream, it all made sense, and then when I found out it really was that person, I had some soul searching to do.

I was thinking about all that I had went through with this person, in my junior and senior year of high school, and all the turmoil and craziness that this person brought to my life. I also thought about all the negative things and how it had affected me. It affected the early part of my marriage (which, honestly, anyone but Shane I don't think would've handled very well).

Initially I thought of the dark emotion that I harbored toward this person. It was black, I could see it in my mind. I gathered it (mentally) into a ball and let go of it. Then, knowing that I needed to replace it with something better, I replaced it with sorrow. Not sorrow like, oh I'm sad, but a sorrow more of, "I'm sorry that you felt you had to treat me this way, to be that person, to do those horrible things."

As I was thinking through all of it, I knew that another thing I needed to do was to forgive this person. I had the desire, but I knew that I just couldn't do it. I thought about it some more, and I prayed, and I remembered Corrie Ten Boom and how she couldn't forgive the Nazi officer who wanted to shake her hand after the war, and how she turned it over to the Lord and asked for his help to be able to forgive this man who had done horrible things to her and her sister. I thought, "Maybe I can do that too..." and so when I prayed I turned it over to the Lord. I told him I had the desire, but I couldn't do it without his help. I didn't want to hang onto this negative emotion/experience anymore.

In a moment the negative emotion was gone.

I felt light. I knew, that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ had helped me let go of this negative memory and experience in my life.

Supposedly my strawberry allergy is gone... It's been ten years. I am so used to not eating strawberries....I think it will take a while to dare to eat them again! Regardless, even if I still can't eat them, it is nice to know that such a dark chapter in my life has been laid to rest.

Words

The other day, one of my friends on facebook posted a picture. It was a beautiful charm bracelet, with crystals, beads, silver, and of course charms. If you looked closer though, the charms all had words on them...words like, blah, screw it, nope, duh, leave.

Then the comments were even more interesting. People wholeheartedly wanting this bracelet, because "sometimes you just can't say it out loud."

What I wanted to write I didn't, for a few reasons. 1. It wasn't my post. 2. My opinion differed vastly from the opinions posted. 3. I knew in a sense, that writing my opinion at that time and location, wouldn't achieve much more than hard feelings, and people assuming I was judging them and thinking all other myriads of things. As I like to say, I wasn't judging the people, I was judging the situation.

Do I think all these people are bad horrible people for wanting this bracelet? Of course not. I can totally see why they would think this bracelet would be interesting to have. BUT.

Words are huge with me. Words have power. Words have more power than I think a lot of people give them credit for.

Having negative words like this, next to me, all day? No thanks.

Now.

Give me a bracelet that was just as pretty, and had words like, gratitude, beautiful, unique, celestial, loved, worthy, etc... I would be all over that. Just reading those words, gives me a warm feeling in my heart.

I see t-shirts all the time with negative words and sayings on them. I often wonder, if people notice when they wear those shirts, that they feel just a little bit more ornery, a little bit more frustrated with everything, and a little more dark.

Sometimes when I tell people about words and their power, they laugh at me. That's okay. They can laugh. I have done my own experiments, on myself. There's a reason, that if you think thankful thoughts every day you tend to be more positive, and if you think negative, then you feel kinda dark. At least I do.

I tend to naturally be a pessimistic person, but when I force myself to think positive, and look at the good in life, my pessimism lessens. I really do begin to see the joy in life more, I begin to notice the beauty and love, and my thoughts and patterns begin to change.

Thoughts, Memories, and Forgiveness

Initially I was going to base this whole post on forgiveness, and why we should practice forgiving others. It is something that I struggle with at times...I can tell this because if I happen to see specific people that made my life hell when I was in high school, I still have a hard time swallowing down the bile that rises in my throat and makes me want to hit them.

You'd think I would be over it by now. You would think that after almost twenty years, I would be tired of hanging on to that negative bit in my life. To be honest, I have reached a point now that I mostly have. I can't say that I think highly of them or like them though....still working on that one.

Then, yesterday, I found out that Robin Williams died. I know. Lot's of people are commenting on this today. Not only because he died, but how he died. I was sad to begin with, then with the knowledge that he committed suicide, my sorrow and compassion for his family deepened. It hit a little close to home.

Depression runs in my family. It runs in me. It's something that I've had to deal with in my life since I hit puberty. I think I've written about it before. Reading articles about thoughts that go through depressed people's minds, is like taking a look inside my head. They are so similar it's almost disturbing. It was so weird to me when I first went on an antidepressant to not have thoughts of death and dying. When I heard the phrase, "you might have depression if you often think about death and dying" I always thought they meant suicidal thoughts. I didn't have "suicidal" thoughts most of the time, but I DID think about death and dying all the time as it pertained to other people. Being free from those thoughts made me realize what a prevalent place they had in my mind!

I don't take antidepressants anymore. I know the greatest enigma of all is that people who are depressed don't typically like to take antidepressants. I know. You would think that if it helped then you would want to take them! For me, there was always this feeling that I should be above it. I shouldn't need to take them. There was also the feeling that I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel at all. I was in cloud world where nothing affected me, and it was weird. I also wanted to try and beat it. Not realizing that you can't really "beat it" you just learn how to deal with it, and the antidepressants are supposed to help you reach that.

For me, personally, the things that have helped the most have been alternative. Foot zoning, chakra healing, emotional clearing, they all helped. Chakra healing probably helped the most deeply though. For the first time in years I didn't have negative thoughts running through my brain all the time. I was positive and happy without even trying. If a negative thought ran through my brain like "I'm a terrible mother because of..." then a positive thought would immediately run through my brain reminding me that while I might not be perfect, I wasn't terrible.

Another thing that has always helped me, from the start of it all, was the knowledge that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer, and that He loves me. He knows what I am going through with a perfect clarity and in times of great distress (and I've had them, believe me) I need to anchor myself to Him. I think that is one of many reasons why I really like this talk given by Jeffrey R Holland.



Then because my soul speaks through music....this song by Kenneth Cope speaks to me on a deeper level, reminding me that Christ always is there for me if I let Him in. I know many other people deal with depression far worse than I have ever experienced. I hope that I can treat them with the compassion that I always want people to treat me with when I am having a particularly difficult time. Above all, don't give up hope!

I Won't Give Up

This is the perfect song to describe yesterday. Yesterday, was bad. Emotionally for me, it was awful. Shane, in his loving and kind way, was a trooper. Then in the evening, I am sure at some point, I said something like, "I don't know why you put up with me." Then Shane said something close to "Because I love you." Then I said, "I won't give up on you if you won't give up on me." Then this song came to mind. So, there you go.

Then, of course it came to mind all the friends and family I have that have gotten divorced, in the process, or what. It's weird to think that we are one of the survivors. Before I got married I was told, "Remember when you are having a rough day in your marriage (and you will have them) that divorce is not an option." So that's what I've done.

 I realize that my situation is different than a lot of people's. I don't look at people who get divorced and think they are bad, I look and wonder what happened to have two people in love enough to get married, to get divorced. Was it abusive, addiction related, money, infidelity, or did they just draw apart?

Most of the time I realize that I'm not close enough to the inner circle of their life to know that information...and that's fine. Most of the time when I AM close enough to know the information...I wish I didn't, because it is almost always sad.

 A lot of things that happened yesterday weren't Shane and me disagreeing or anything like that. It was me having an emotionally rough time because of things that were happening that were out of my control, and then there was Shane, being my rock, consoling me, and telling me that everyone has a bad day once in a while, and it would be all right.

 Shane is a good example to me of how to love and care for a spouse. So, I try to treat him the same way. I think he is better at it than me, but I am glad he is on my team, and that we are both working together to be a part of an eternal relationship.

To Be A Sincere Friend

This year in Sunday School we have been reading and discussing the Old Testament of the Bible. Today we were reading in Samuel about David, Saul, and Jonathan. It was a very interesting lesson for me, one filled with a lot of teaching. It made me think deeply about a lot of things. It made me realize a lot of things I need to change, things I need to work on, and things, that I have already started to work on because of things I had noticed.
One quote given during the lesson really hit me hard. It was from Ezra Taft Benson:

“Saul became an enemy to David through pride. He was jealous because the crowds of Israelite women were singing that ‘Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands’ (1 Samuel 18:7; see also 1 Samuel 18:6, 8).

“The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. … ‘What will men think of me?’ weighs heavier than ‘What will God think of me?’ …

“Fear of men’s judgment manifests itself in competition for men’s approval. The proud love ‘the praise of men more than the praise of God’ (John 12:42–43). Our motives for the things we do are where the sin is manifest. Jesus said He did ‘always those things’ that pleased God (John 8:29). Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another?

“Some prideful people are not so concerned as to whether their wages meet their needs as they are that their wages are more than someone else’s. Their reward is being a cut above the rest. …

“When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1989, 4–5; or Ensign, May 1989, 5).

As we went through the lesson it was interesting to me to learn about Jonathan and his friendship with David, even though David was getting everything and Jonathan wasn't. Jonathan had done just as great things as David, and yet, he was able to be happy for David, and not only that, support him.

On the other hand, we have Saul, who was so deep in his jealousy for David that he tried to kill him three times! Can you imagine being that jealous of someone?

I know there have been times where I have been jealous of people. Whether it be things that they have, or love and recognition that they are receiving that I want for myself, this lesson has really made me step back and look at how I treat people. It also made me think hard about how feeling jealous of people or having the "grass is greener" attitude, is a form of pride. I think oftentimes we look at pride and view it as something we have when we are proud of ourselves for certain accomplishments (look at me, look at what I have), and we don't realize that being jealous is a form of pride.

I know that previously, I had already started changing how I respond to things that people write on facebook when they are sharing their joy. Maybe they are going on an amazing trip, buying a new house, having a baby, etc... I found a common thing for people to say was "I am jealous!" It gave me pause, and I decided that I would share in their joy. I found that when I began to do that, I didn't feel any longing for what they had, what they had achieved, or anything else. I found that I was truly happy for them.

This lesson also taught me that, instead of comparing myself to others, I should really be focused on what God wants me to have, and how I can do the best I can to achieve what he wants me to. Part of that, is by being a true friend.

 Mosiah 18:9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

An Interesting Thought

So, I have about 5 books I am reading right now simultaneously. I know that seems kind of nuts, but most of them are non-fiction, spiritual, improving yourself, type books. The way my thought process works, I have to read it in chunks. I can't just sit down and read through the book. This is thinking material!

Anyway, one of the books is "Choose Higher Ground" by Henry B Eyring.

At one spot in the book, where he is talking about increasing our faith, he makes what I felt was an interesting point.

He wrote: "Great faith has a short shelf life."

I think too often we gain a testimony and then just let it sit. Just like a muscle that goes unused atrophies and becomes weak, so can our testimony if we don't constantly nourish it.

Then, when we need to rely on that strong testimony...it isn't there, and our faith crumbles.

I've thought about that a lot this week.

It's been interesting how many people have told me to "have faith and everything will be all right."

What does that mean to you?

I do have faith, and I do have trust, but rather than put a stipulation on it, I put that faith and trust in the Lord. Sometimes, things aren't "all right" sometimes, we have to go through sorrow, pain, illness, loss, etc... because there is something that we need to learn, that won't come any other way. Sometimes, that is the very experience that strengthens our faith and intensifies our determination to follow the Lord.

Instead of thinking, "please let everything be all right" I find myself thinking "please help me to be strong and willing to go through what I need to. Please help me to be calm and at peace with the things that I need to deal with...and help me learn what I need to from this experience."

I'm not perfect at doing this...but, when I find myself feeling a little anxious or scared, I think, "I have faith in the Lord's plan for me." The fear leaves, and I feel comforted.

Peace

In John 14:27 it states:

Peace I leave with you, my peace give I unto you: not as the world giveth give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Fear and peace can't exist together. You can't be fearful and at peace.

I remind myself of that often these days. I keep thinking of the reasons I love God, and that if I trust in Him, I will have peace and calm.

Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it is. Either way, it will work out the way it is supposed to.

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. It will be an interesting appointment.

I have another doctor appointment on Monday. That one should be interesting as well.

I don't want people to worry about me, and that is the main huge reason I am being extremely vague right now. When I have something definite to tell, then I will definitely share because I will need lots of support. However, if I am just being paranoid, or it ends up being not a big deal, well, then that would be a great relief.

So, right now my main focus is just being at peace.

Heaven Is Here, A Book Review

It's been a while since I've reviewed a book on here. I read books all the time, I just don't write reviews about them....hmmm, maybe I should...

Anyway, this book review is about a book called Heaven Is Here.

I can tell that I am going to have to buy my own copy. So, here is a little back story first. A few years ago I stumbled across a blog called, The Nie Nie Dialogues. My friend had a link posted to it, and I followed the link. I enjoyed it. I thought it was witty and cute, and it wasn't surprising that it had a pretty large following. I remember it had a been a few months and I went to read the blog again, only to find out that the writer of the blog had been in a plane crash. I remember it was right after it happened because her sister had posted something, and linked to her blog, and it had all just barely occurred.

Well, Heaven Is Here, is the book about this lady. It is an breathtaking story. Miraculous. Amazing. Her blog is always very upbeat and positive. The book delves into what it was like on a personal level. The gutwrenching heartache and difficulty after coming back and getting used to a life in a body that survived having 80% of the skin be burned, and having part of that be a new face.

I think I cried about every other chapter of that book. I would just sit there and cry. It was a very emotional journey for me. A very good cleansing journey. I would read, and then I would think, and then I would just think of how grateful I am for my life.

I was also impressed with the love her husband has for her, and his dedication to taking care of her and showing her how much he loved her, no matter what. I think he reminded me of the love I know that Shane has for me.

So, I give this book 5 out of 5 pens. It's the kind of book that you could read again. It's the kind of book that I'm sure will make me pause, and think, "It's not that bad. Other people have survived worse, and come out on top." If you haven't read it, read it. It would definitely be worth your time.

A Change For The Better

There are a lot of things that seem to run in my family. Depression is one of them. I first started to deal with it when I was about thirteen and going to middle school. I still remember the thoughts I had. I still remember how I felt, and wondering why I was feeling the way I did. It was hard.

The middle of my freshman year in high school, I decided I needed to change. I looked at my life, and really tried to remove anything negative. I looked over the music I listened to, the books I read, the movies I watched, the people I spent time with, and if I felt it was negative...I removed it. It was gone. A bit drastic, but it helped the depression go away, for a time.

That was just the first time.

After I was married, and had had my first child, I dealt with depression again. This time I went on an antidepressant. It helped, but it made me feel like I was on a cloud. I didn't feel like I was me. I didn't like it. I began to search for other ways to deal with depression.

The most beneficial for me, seemed to be energy work, foot zoning, and for a time, essential oils. I realized I had a lot of emotional baggage. It really helped keep the depression at bay, but it always seemed to come back. Still, I felt it was better than using medication to deal with it. I felt better.

So, a little while ago, I was struggling again. I was given access to Carol Tuttle's 7 Chakras healing program. I had dealt a little bit with chakras when I had had energy work done, so it wasn't a huge shift to just working on chakras.

In the program, she goes over all the chakras in detail, and how to open them, or heal them. She actually includes another chakra that isn't typically used, so technically there are 8 chakras that you can open/heal. I started with the first one. Just clearing and opening that one chakra made such a difference in my mind! It was amazing and wonderful!

As I have cleared others, a similar thing has taken place, and it has been so good. I still have two more that I need to clear, but I feel so much better now than I did. The thoughts in my mind are so much more positive. When a negative thought tries to enter in, I think, no, that's not right. That's not how it is.

It has also helped me be more positive. I have a better outlook on things. I'm able to do things that I wasn't able to before. I can actually feel my body healing things that it has dealt with for a long time. Another great thing, is I yell less. Things that used to bug me immensely don't seem to bother me as much anymore.

It's been a great mind shift, and a great change for me. Once I clear the last two, it will be interesting to see how I feel, and for how long. It's been a good thing.

Cultivating Faith

After I completed yesterday's post, I began thinking and pondering about the last quote I had put in there : "Cast out doubt, cultivate faith." As I thought about it, the phrase kept entering my mind, How can I cultivate faith?  Many things begin to enter my contemplation, so I thought I would share some of them.

A lot of them are what people call "Sunday School Answers" but I dug a little deeper. I didn't just think, read the scriptures, I thought about why reading the scriptures was important. So, here are a few ways I thought about cultivating faith.

First, I thought about how important it is to have the desire to believe. In Alma 32:27 it states: But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

It is important to me to note though, that this is just the beginning of faith, not the ending.  This is where you plant the seed, hoping that it will result in more faith. Hope is a precursor that is linked to faith, and desire is the precursor to hope. You have the desire, you hope, and then you begin to have faith.


Another quote from the book"Bringing Elizabeth Home" states:

"Hope, like faith, is the evidence of things not seen. You can't have faith without hope. Hope is like the precursor to faith, and faith becomes the sustaining power. If you give up hope, you give up faith. None of those things are diminished by the outcome of whatever happens in our lives. We will all have adversity. We can either become stronger and better because of it, or weakened because of it. Our faith can be strengthened through our hard times."

By reading the scriptures, you are allowing yourself to learn by the best teachers. Past prophets who prophesied of God and of our Savior Jesus Christ. If you immerse yourself in the scriptures, allowing the Holy Ghost to teach you, your faith will grow, and you will be taught.

There are many ways to read and ponder the scriptures though. I think sometimes we get stuck on reading them in order. I find what works for me, is to pick a topic and study it. So, for example, since I'm writing about faith, I look up all the scriptures that are about faith and I study them.

Another way to cultivate faith, is to go to church. I think this is a huge thing. Yes, it isn't always possible, and many times when you have small kids, you begin to wonder if it is worth it, but it is. I find that often when I go to church, I am taught by both the scriptures and the Holy Ghost. If I have a question that has been weighing on my mind, or a concern, or a thought, there have been many times where what I need to learn and what I need to know will be brought to my mind. It's quite amazing really.

Our stake president once taught us in stake conference, that if we are mentally prepared horizontally, we will be taught by the spirit vertically. I can always tell when I am mentally prepared!

Prayer is definitely a way of cultivating faith. When we pray intently to our Heavenly Father, about our problems, hopes, desires, gratitude, etc., we become closer to Him. Our trust in Him is increased, and as a result, our faith is increased. You have to have trust in God, to have your faith increase, trusting that He knows best, and that all we experience is for our good.

I could have partially wondered that at the beginning of last year, but because of experiences that I had, and continue to have, I feel stronger. Yes things are still hard at times, there is still adversity, but there is also a greater desire to continue on and continue to grow.

There are many other ways to cultivate faith. I really feel like I've just scratched the surface. As I continue to search and ponder, I may have to write another post on more ways to cultivate faith.

Rejoice

I have always been one that seems to feel the Spirit most strongly when listening to music. When I was younger, it was hymns that helped me gain a testimony of Jesus Christ. It was religious music that told me and helped me gain an understanding that I am a daughter of God, and that I am loved.

So, it is no surprise to me, that hymns seem to help me still in times when I feel sorrow, in times when I long for peace, and in times when I pause to reflect on things in my life.

This hymn, however, is one that I always think of as bringing pure light and sunshine to my soul. Rejoice! What a positive word that is. Rejoice the Lord is King!

It make my heart light and brings a smile to my face. Then, to listen to it with music...pure bliss.

In Psalms 32:11 we read:   Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart.

The words to the hymn were written by Charles Wesley, who was an English leader of the Methodist movement.

I love the words:

1. Rejoice, the Lord is King!
Your Lord and King adore!
Mortals, give thanks and sing
And triumph evermore.

[Chorus]
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!

2. The Lord, the Savior, reigns,
The God of truth and love.
When he had purged our stains,
He took his seat above.

3. His kingdom cannot fail;
He rules o'er earth and heav'n.
The keys of death and hell
To Christ the Lord are giv'n.

To me, this is such a positive and inspirational hymn of hope and light. "His kingdom cannot fail:" In some ways the words are so simple, but they bring such cheerfulness to my heart. They remind me why I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, why I believe he is the Savior for us all, and why we have hope that we can return to be with our Heavenly Father again.

Strait is the way, and narrow the gate...

I had an amazing Sabbath today, and was definitely spiritually filled and uplifted.

It started with a talk given by a member of our congregation. He based his talk on one given by Elaine Jack. http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=721

It was titled "Never Take No Cutoffs." She goes on to reference the story of the ill-fated Donner Party and likening it to our own path to exaltation, and how we can go off in unbelief when we choose to follow a different path.

"For the Donner party there was a proven trail. It was longer, but it was sure. Gambling on their own abilities and personal ambitions, they took a road that had never been tested. The result is history.

The Lord says, “Enter ye in at the strait gate: . . . Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13–14).

As you follow the path of the Savior, keeping your covenants and his commandments, you will be assaulted from all sides with offers to take other roads, other travel packages. Anything the adversary can do to pull you off course, he will do. He’ll stop at nothing to catch your attention, and then, ever so slyly, he will lead you away from the work of the Lord."

When we cease to follow the path of the Savior, it becomes easier to justify that which is wrong. It is easier to do the things we know we shouldn't. It is easier to look at past commitments and covenants, and see them as faulty. And then, when we have gone far down that path of darkness, it is easier to mock and condemn that which we once held as truth and light, until it becomes impossible to see the goodness for what it truly is.

God's way is the only way. It brings to mind a quote that I really like : " Elder Neal A. Maxwell likes to quote William Law, an English clergyman of the 18th century, who said it this way: “If you have not chosen the Kingdom of God, it will make in the end no difference what you have chosen instead.” 

My happy boy is back...mostly...

So, while I am going to include more spiritual things, I still think it's good to have other things written about too.

I was reading some entries that I had written throughout the past year, and came across some where I had written about Jeffrey and the struggle that we had after Emmett was born. I still think he seriously felt abandoned. I feel bad about that sometimes, but I also know that at that point in time there was nothing else we could do but let my mother in law and sister in law take care of him, and what a blessing it was that they could.

Anyway, after he came back home, he struggled. I could tell that it wasn't the baby. He was feeling some pretty confusing emotions toward Shane and I that he couldn't and didn't know how to deal with, so he dealt with them the way that little kids do. He cried. He also wouldn't come to me. I just had to get used to the fact that he wasn't going to come to me or let me hold him for who knew how long.

Well, fast forward to a month or so ago. I was holding Emmett in the recliner, and there was Jeffrey. He wanted to sit by me too. I was seriously in shock! Of course I made room for him! As time has progressed, he wants to spend more time with me. A couple of times last week he wanted only me to hold him and snuggle with him, even though Shane was right there in the room.

This was pretty refreshing to me, never mind amazing. I had just stopped even thinking about what it used to be like, and just accepted the way things were. I told Shane that I felt like Jeffrey had finally forgiven me for all he had to go through right before Emmett was born. I know how weird that sounds, but I really feel like it's true.

He is still curious, still gets into everything, still has a hard time listening when we tell him not to do something...like all toddlers... but this, wanting us to hold him, cuddle with him, share our time with him, this is just amazing, and I am so happy about it!

Do Not Despair

It has been an interesting week for me. I have always been prone to seeing the dark side of life, getting overwhelmed, and other negative things. This week, as I have tried to be more spiritual, has also seen an intensity in the negative emotions. I can only think and believe, it is because I am trying to do something good, that this has happened.

The desire to give up, to not try, to just let it be, has been so enormous. Of course being a mom and wife is hard. Just being a good person is hard. This week has seemed to be even more so. Yesterday was crazy as I tried to take care of my family. Dealing with a child that has to have tests done to make sure that they don't have appendicitis, and then dealing with what is really going on.

I felt my self going down. To top it off, my house was a total disaster. I tend to be one who likes things neat and orderly, but most of the time I stuff that inclination down for the peace of my family. When I am already feeling down, it makes it amplified that our house is not the cleanest or most organized one on the block. Which, honestly, I really don't care about. I just feel more peaceful when things are clean and in order.

Then came today. After a week of interrupted sleep, today reared it's ugly head, and I had no desire to deal with today. In desperation I looked up a talk on lds.org and found this gem:

It was exactly what I needed to hear! I even read along with it. Not only did it provide the balm that I needed for my soul. It provided things to do, steps to take, goals to have and create! What an inspiration! I found myself filled with a desire to do better, and the darkness has abated again.

There are scripture references in the text. You can find them in the talk here: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1974/10/do-not-despair

The day has become a joy again. A challenge to become greater as I serve my family and friends. I can do this!

What a weekend

It has been quite the weekend for me.

We'll start with Friday. Early Friday morning I was holding Emmett on my bed, rolled, and apparently rolled wrong, and threw my back out. I'm guessing it happened about 3 or 4 in the morning, because by the time I went to my chiropractor at 8 I could barely walk and felt like I had daggers shooting down my legs.

Thankfully, my awesome sister in law came and helped me, because I wasn't supposed to lift anything, and there is no way I could have taken care of my two little kidlings. I also had to call and find someone to take my shift at the library, because there is no way I could have helped people when I could barely stand upright.

Every time I throw out my back it reminds me how grateful I am that I have the health I do. It also gives me more motivation to not take my back for granted and to be more kind to it.

So, after all weekend, now I can mostly get around without pain. Compared to Friday it is quite improved, but compared to no pain at all, yes there is still some there. Not enough to keep me from working at the library today though! I can do it! Plus, I will be second clerk so I will just be assisting the other clerk for a few hours.

The good part of this weekend was general conference. It was so nice and inspiring and spiritually uplifting to listen to the leaders of our church, especially in the conflicting times that we are experiencing.

The future is going to be very interesting.

Differences

I read an interesting news article the other day. It was a guest column. I found myself experiencing conflicting emotions for different reasons.

The author tried to write an article on infertility, but because she had never experienced it, turned it into an article about hyper fertility and how the stress is the same. At least, that is kind of what I got from it. My opinion when I read it was that they are NOT the same. I still feel that way. After reading comments, I realized that I wasn't alone in that feeling.

It was also interesting for me to read, since I am not dealing with infertility now. I do, however, have a very keen memory on what it was like. Even as I was experiencing it, I remember thinking about women who had a difficult time preventing pregnancy. I tried very hard to be empathetic toward them, but it was hard. I could understand and visualize the stress. I could think about how difficult it would be to find out you were pregnant with another child when the money wasn't there to care for them and how stressful that would be... but it was difficult, when at that time, all I longed for was another baby to hold and care for.

It was a long seven years, broken up by a miscarriage. There was a lot of heartache. If I ever even come close to forgetting, all I have to do is look up my infertility label on my blog, and it all comes back.

I think the difference really, is that in dealing with infertility you are dealing with grief. Every month. Every time the test comes back negative. Every time, if you try in-vitro... it fails. Every time your cycle is late you get a glimmer of hope only to have it dashed again. If you do get pregnant... the ultrasound with the heartbeat that isn't there and the sad look on the doctor's face as they tell you things aren't going the way they are supposed to. So, every month, you start the grief cycle over again. You mourn the children that aren't there. They are very difficult emotions to deal with. They are emotions that only completely go away when you get a child.

I haven't dealt with hyperfertility, but in my mind, that stress and emotion is more of an overwhelming, what am I going to do and how am I going to handle this? How am I going to handle the stress of mothering another child? And, like I said before, I can see it, I can visualize how stressful it would be...but still, very different emotions then dealing with infertility.

I don't think you can compare the two.

For Sale

Buying and selling a house is stressful. I think it's more stressful if you're selling and buying than vice verse. Here's why... in order to buy a house, we need to sell our house. If we sell our house we have to move, whether we have a place or not. If we were just buying a house, it wouldn't matter.

I really don't want to rent again. If our house got sold, we would probably have to rent something. So then I think, okay house, don't sell, because there's nowhere I want to move yet...that we can afford! At the same time, I want my house to sell, because it would be nice to have a bigger house...see the problem here?

It's been a rather stressful month/summer, which is probably why I haven't written on here very much.

So far everyone has survived. :)

School starts on Monday which I'm sure the kids are excited about. Having to worry about the house being immaculately clean, with kids... I can't imagine being like this every day. It's like herding cats. That and I feel bad for my kids, but at the same time, I think, if you just did it instead of complaining it would already be done!

Then I have to remind myself that Hazel is 9 and Harrison is 12. Harrison is really a good helper. Hazel....has her moments, but she is really good at watching Jeffrey...most of the time. I was out picking up sticks and bark that were on our lawn after a windstorm and Shane asked her to go out and help me, and she actually told him, No, I don't want to.

If she'd said it to me, I probably would have told her that I have to do lots of things that I don't want to. That's a part of life! She doesn't like it when I tell her things like that.

So, after reading all this, maybe it's understandable why I haven't written on here, because this is pretty much all we have done and all I have been doing. I guess I could get on here and go... today I cleaned my house, again...

Today it was beastly hot...again...and I think my window units are dying... or they need more cooling stuff and need to be recharged.

Last night I didn't sleep well...again...

Then I read that, and I think, you know, you need to be positive and grateful, because gratitude breeds happiness and contentment (it really does).

So, here's my gratitude for the morning.... I am grateful that I have kids, and that they are good kids.

Sad

Well, I found out today that my classmate passed away. The one I wrote about previously, that had cancer. Very sad. I am grateful that I know and believe in a hereafter, and that one day he will be with his wife and kids again.

Still...very sad. :(

Sobering

I found out a few years ago that one of my classmates from high school had his leg amputated to the knee because of cancer. I worked at a hospital at the time and found out the information from his brother, whom I occasionally worked with in the operating room.

I remember at the time feeling sad for him because my memories of him in high school were of him being an amazing athlete in basketball and track and field.

Then about a month ago I found out that he'd had to have his whole leg amputated, and then that he kept getting tumors in his lungs and shoulders.

He's decided to try an alternative treatment since chemotherapy hasn't helped. Insurance won't cover the cost so they've set up a donation fund for him and his family. You can check it out here:

http://pledgie.com/campaigns/20826for





It's very sobering for me to find out when my classmates have health issues like this. It gives me a reality check on my own life.

Does it really matter that my flowers are dying? No.

I remember what one of my neighbors, who ended up dying because of cancer, told us... Everyone talks about living like you're dying... but that's just baloney. I just want to watch my sons grow up. That's the most important thing, to be there for my kids.

I think of this and of my classmate, and my heart aches for his family. I hope this alternative treatment helps him so he can live to see his kids grow up.

Summer

It has been an interesting summer. A really hot and dry one, more than normal.

Last year when we went camping we had just laid some free sod we got from our friends. We bought a water timer and set up sprinklers to make sure the grass would get watered. I envisioned lush green grass upon our return...only to my heartbroken dismay, the grass not only wasn't green, it was brown. Everyone told me not to worry, and that it would come back, but I knew in my heart that it hadn't just gone dormant, it had died. (People with black thumbs like myself have an intuition about these kinds of things!) And, I was right.

The water timer had malfunctioned, and the grass all died.

This year when we went camping, again we set up the water timer, only this time it was for my flower bed, because I told Shane if we came back and all my flowers were dead, I would be even more sad than I was about the grass. As a backup Shane asked our neighbor to monitor our flowers and make sure they got watered.

The water timer malfunctioned AGAIN.

So, what is the lesson here? Don't buy a water timer that is for use with hoses and sprinklers! :) Thankfully, this time, because of our neighbor, our flowers did get watered, and weren't completely dead when we got home.

While we were camping we experienced the first bout of hot temperatures. In Salt Lake they were experiencing 100+ degree weather. Where we were, at our camp spot it was about 92 degrees, and everywhere else it was 98-99 degrees. Shane took one of our window unit air conditioners with and attached it to our trailer since we had electricity at our campspot. I was so glad he did! Also because of the hot weather, we went on lots of outings in our air conditioned SUV.

We had fun, but it was very HOT. I really don't do HOT very well.

Then on the drive back from camping, we drove through an area with a tornado warning (unbeknownst to us at the time) and had quite the drive through horizontal rain and heavy winds. I told Shane after that I had started praying the whole way through the storm because the wind was blowing hard enough I was worried it would flip the trailer and our suv with it. He told me that I wasn't the only one praying. :) We made it through safely, which we were both grateful about. All the kids were fast asleep at the time, which was also a blessing.

We ended up coming home a day earlier than we had initially planned on originally, because Harrison was leaving for scout camp that Saturday morning. We were glad that was the case though, because it made it so we could go celebrate some things with our friends that we would've missed out on if we hadn't come home early.