Thoughts, Memories, and Forgiveness

Initially I was going to base this whole post on forgiveness, and why we should practice forgiving others. It is something that I struggle with at times...I can tell this because if I happen to see specific people that made my life hell when I was in high school, I still have a hard time swallowing down the bile that rises in my throat and makes me want to hit them.

You'd think I would be over it by now. You would think that after almost twenty years, I would be tired of hanging on to that negative bit in my life. To be honest, I have reached a point now that I mostly have. I can't say that I think highly of them or like them though....still working on that one.

Then, yesterday, I found out that Robin Williams died. I know. Lot's of people are commenting on this today. Not only because he died, but how he died. I was sad to begin with, then with the knowledge that he committed suicide, my sorrow and compassion for his family deepened. It hit a little close to home.

Depression runs in my family. It runs in me. It's something that I've had to deal with in my life since I hit puberty. I think I've written about it before. Reading articles about thoughts that go through depressed people's minds, is like taking a look inside my head. They are so similar it's almost disturbing. It was so weird to me when I first went on an antidepressant to not have thoughts of death and dying. When I heard the phrase, "you might have depression if you often think about death and dying" I always thought they meant suicidal thoughts. I didn't have "suicidal" thoughts most of the time, but I DID think about death and dying all the time as it pertained to other people. Being free from those thoughts made me realize what a prevalent place they had in my mind!

I don't take antidepressants anymore. I know the greatest enigma of all is that people who are depressed don't typically like to take antidepressants. I know. You would think that if it helped then you would want to take them! For me, there was always this feeling that I should be above it. I shouldn't need to take them. There was also the feeling that I didn't feel like me. I didn't feel at all. I was in cloud world where nothing affected me, and it was weird. I also wanted to try and beat it. Not realizing that you can't really "beat it" you just learn how to deal with it, and the antidepressants are supposed to help you reach that.

For me, personally, the things that have helped the most have been alternative. Foot zoning, chakra healing, emotional clearing, they all helped. Chakra healing probably helped the most deeply though. For the first time in years I didn't have negative thoughts running through my brain all the time. I was positive and happy without even trying. If a negative thought ran through my brain like "I'm a terrible mother because of..." then a positive thought would immediately run through my brain reminding me that while I might not be perfect, I wasn't terrible.

Another thing that has always helped me, from the start of it all, was the knowledge that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer, and that He loves me. He knows what I am going through with a perfect clarity and in times of great distress (and I've had them, believe me) I need to anchor myself to Him. I think that is one of many reasons why I really like this talk given by Jeffrey R Holland.



Then because my soul speaks through music....this song by Kenneth Cope speaks to me on a deeper level, reminding me that Christ always is there for me if I let Him in. I know many other people deal with depression far worse than I have ever experienced. I hope that I can treat them with the compassion that I always want people to treat me with when I am having a particularly difficult time. Above all, don't give up hope!