Music

Music and I have a love/hate relationship I've decided. I love music, I love performing, and I am ALWAYS glad I participate when I do.
So...WHY do I have to convince myself to do it?

When I started college I majored in Music Education because music speaks to my soul and edifies me. It lifts me up in ways I can't describe. When I listen to a classical piece of music, and even some more current things, there are harmonies that just sing inside me and fill me with awe.

Something in me died when I majored in music though. I don't know when or how or even why really, but it died. Too much of a good thing maybe? All I know, is that I was so burned out by the time I stopped, and so emotionally depleted, that I almost sold my cello. Almost. For no reason. Thankfully my husband wouldn't let me. :)

So, occasionally I play with the local community symphony. I enjoy this, but even then, I fight the negative inside me. I don't know why it comes, because once I force myself to rehearsal I enjoy myself and I am glad I went.

This year, I agreed to play in the local performance of the Messiah. I love playing this piece of music. It is beautiful. It has amazing harmonies, and then you add choir and soloists, and...it is one of the most enriching pieces of music I have ever heard. And yet, once again, I fought within myself. Should I go? Should I not? Should I go? Even the day of the performance.

Added on top of this was the realization that NO ONE related to me would be at the performance. I used to make sure everyone I was related to knew about it because I wanted them to be there, but they never came, so I stopped even telling them when the concerts were. Shane usually brings the kids, but we decided they could go to the second performance in a different city. So that left me. It took some real soul searching for me to feel good about anything.

I asked myself... "Why do you do this....really? Do you do it just because you want people to hear you? Do you do it because you want support?" And I realized, that no...I do it for me. I do it because it fills me and reminds me of the good things in life. I do it because it is something I need. If people I know are there, that's just icing on the cake.

Once I had thought this through, and realized truly what being a musician means to me, I had an amazing evening. The performance was wonderful. Hearing the audience sing the choruses was heavenly. The soloists did well, and the orchestra sounded great.

And you know what? I can't wait til the 18th, when I get to perform it again. :)